Hi luved,
I'm sorry you had a tough weekend.
Meanwhile WH was at "Jeremy’s" where he goes methodically every other weekend for the past three years. While at "Jeremy’s", he can’t make or take calls or texts.
Kids are pretty smart. Of course they know. It's obvious. Which begs the question, if you're not sticking it out so that the kids have some farcical fake belief that they grew up in a happy, loving 2-parent home, then what are you doing? What is keeping you in a situation that is so obviously unpalatable, that even a teenager can see it?
I heard two of my nephews (aged 19 and 23) and my 16 year old say to me this is why they won’t even consider marriage.
Of course it creates intergenerational trauma and dysfunction. We are all impacted by our family of origin - we can't avoid that. But we can equip kids with the tools to solve their problems, as problems arise. Your relationship with your spouse is your kids' best example of what to expect and what to accept in their own relationships going forward. I assume you don't want them to think it's normal for their spouse to have a whole second life. I assume you want your daughter to demand better from her future spouse.
I remember, at age 20 learning that my own mother had stuck it out with my cheating father only for her to have been left subsequently for another woman, and losing respect for them both. What did she expect? Why didn't she demand better? She had a job, sure a divorce would have resulted in a lifestyle downgrade but was she so superficial that a downgrade was worth her self-respect? I promised myself I'd never be dependent on a man for anything - particularly finances, but a part of me wondered if this was just the price of marriage. I probably over-compensated in a lot of my romantic relationship choices in my early 20s. I had also grown up being compared to my father and was gearing up to go into a similar professional field and all of a sudden, all of those "compliments" turned into accusations and I felt like all the bitterness that my mother's family understandably had towards my father, were aimed at me. If I was like him, what did this say about me.
I ended up putting off marriage until my early 30s. By then, my (now) husband had been together for more than 10 years - I wanted to be sure. Then when he cheated, all the trauma I had surrounding my father's infidelity was stirred up. I spent weeks in therapy digging into my parents relationship before I was able to dig into my own. For the first time, I started to have a bit more empathy for my mom's situation at the time and what she would have been going through.
I hope you don't take this as being cruel, but as motivating (which is the way that was intended). I have been here long enough to know that a lot of people are willing to put up with a lot of shit in their romantic relationships if they think it is in the best interest of their kids. But I have to wonder, is seeing this in their parents doing your kids any good?