SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi there. So I was an active member as a betrayed for a few years. Disappeared, and am now coming as a mad hatter. Currently engaged in a 3 month long PA. I guess I don't know exactly why I'm posting.

That's not true, I know exactly why I'm posting. Because I hate myself. I thought this affair would even the score, and make me feel better, but it hasn't done that at all. I was so active on the R forum and now I fully believe R is not possible after infidelity. It takes and destroys too much.

Hello, AR, from a fellow madhatter.

Can you tell us a bit more about your original plan when you began your affair? Was the idea to hide it permanently from your spouse and "get your own back" in secret? Or did you plan to disclose, either right away or once the A ran its course, so that your spouse would learn from a taste of the shit sandwich? Why is the PA still current if you're hating both it and yourself?

I figured it was my last ditch effort to not break up our family. I know that sounds crazy, but I just could not let his affair go. It was the little things, like I wasn't his last first kiss. Or last first person to have sex with. Say I love you... all of that. I thought maybe if those things were evened out, I could finally move forward. Honestly, it has helped a little with those aspects, but has added a whole other level of... I don't know... feeling like scum?

I have not disclosed nor plan to. I wanted to have sex with my AP the same amount of times my husband had sex with his. I know it's childish. I don't have feelings towards my AP. There's an attraction. There's flattery. But it's more like a means to an end than actually enjoying it.

If you now fully believe R is not possible, is this an exit affair now?

Are you looking for advice on how to disengage from the affair or how to deal with the shame?

Hi I am a madhatter too and have to admit that the A I had after I discovered my xWS's first A did make me feel like the scales were balanced. I did not like how the A made me feel. I didn't like lying or sneaking around. It felt icky like you said. I felt a little guilt about hurting xWS but not much.

When I disclosed my A to xWS after I discovered his A #2 he did not seem phased by it, not the way his A affected me.

I too am in the camp of R is not possible after infidelity at least for me anyways. I can't let it go and my feelings change instantly towards that person. I become toxic and disrespectful. I became someone I never wanted to become after my xWS many A's. Leaving was my best option and I have not regret it. Some of us need a clean slate to start over again.