SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Just curious how many people have thought about a revenge affair, I can't imagine how much stress and drama that would cause but it seems like it would be an easy trap to fall into.

I guess lots of people think about it.
We know from past posts some people carry it out.
Haven’t read of a single instance – not a SINGLE one – where it helped in any way or form, or made the work any easier.
Nobody has come back after a revenge affair and shared that screwing someone else was the tonic that helped them fix their marriage.
Nor has anyone shared that while having an orgasm with a stranger was the moment they realized divorce was the solution.

For one second, and maybe not that long. I've read on here - you can't solve your problems with other people's genitals.

There have been some that have had a RA and have regretted their decision.

I had a revenge affair (still an A) and it was not worth it. It didn't have the intended affect I thought it would have. My XWS was upset for a week and just continued cheating on me anyways. I felt like I had lost my mind and had no coping skills at the time of discovery of xWS's A. It also didn't feel great sneaking around and lying. Of course I enjoyed the flattery I got and it did feel like the scales had been balanced, BUT my xWS is a serial cheater and he had cheated before this A and after.

I think it’s common, I have seen that discussed here many time over the years. I think it’s natural for a bs to look for all escape toys from their pain. I can tell by your post that you aren’t likely not considering it seriously.

My husband had a subsequent affair. I don’t call it a revenge affair because I don’t think he really went into it wanting me to see how it feels. I mean of course that still occurred to a certain extent, but I think he just wanted a life raft.

There are many reasons not to do it.

- There is no such thing as getting even in matters of the heart. It is tremendously more complicated to reconcile with both people traumatized and having lost trust.

- I didn’t believe him anymore that sexual fidelity was something he felt as strong about. So it sort of lessened the idea he thought it was as wrong as he proclaimed. It didn’t deter me from working in myself but I think it would for a lot of ws to see an opportunity to rug sweep.

-he lost some of his footing for having any upper hand. What I mean by this is we had drawn up a very favorable divorce settlement after my affair. After his I ripped it up in his face (it hadn’t been filed)

-you just don’t know what it will stir up in the other spouse. DV and homicide happen frequently due to infidelity.

-it creates even more instability, and if there are kids at home that can be a much harder thing ti navigate without effecting them because at this point it’s total chaos.

-your ws could decide they can dish it out but won’t take it and give you a divorce immediately.

- it damages you. Having an affair is the most destructive thing I did to myself.

-it could potentially hurt a third party who is innocent. Also you have no control over how they react. There are many AP’s that become obsessive and then stalk the couple of years afterwards.

I could go in and on, but it’s definitely not as simple as we both had sex with someone and now we are even. Your spouse would have a right to feel just as outraged at your actions.

It’s better to divorce or at least separate with the understanding you will both be allowed to see other people during the separation. Which of course if someone really does that especially the ws you can expect fall out there too.

I definitely did. Thankfully I didn't do it. For a very unhealthy reason due to my own internal broken issues I felt like my WS "owned me" unless I had sex with someone else. I felt like not only did I want to do it to hurt her, and get back at her, and maybe have some "fun of my own", but to also not have her own me in that way anymore. Maybe this way she could feel an ounce of the pain I felt, is what I told myself. I found that when I played out the scenario of me fully going through with a revenge affair, that I would need a lot of alcohol to actually go through with it (meaning maybe I don't really want to do it), and I would feel disgusted with myself if I actually did it. I was asked why I would want to add feeling disgusted toward myself on top of all of the pain I was already in. I had to realize I didn't deserve that from myself and push not to do it. So, all of that on top of the fact that it only prolongs your healing which means prolonging your hurt...and who wants to stay in that awful pain any longer than needed? As hard as it was to let the pain take over in full effect and to try not to bandaid it - it was the only way through toward healing and lessening length of time to endure such hurts.

[This message edited by maise at 7:16 PM, Friday, March 15th]

Yes, lots of times and still do occasionally even after well over 20 years! Not for the sex it's more to see if it would hurt her as much as it does me even after all this time.

Would she do the pick me dance like I did and humiliate herself in the process like I did?

Would she take me back and have to live with the shame and humiliation of some friends and relatives thinking you are weak?

I honestly don't know but it would be one sure way of finding out if you were and still are plan B. For context AP dumped my WW.

I had an opportunity and didn't pursue it but it has always been in the back of my mind if I should've.

Hall passes, RAs, rarely ever make R work. I never condone an RA because an affair is an affair. I don’t actually believe in hall passes either, but in rare circumstances they work. To me, the difference between them is that the WS knows about the hall pass, there’s no lying or deceit (at first at least, they tend to spiral quickly into affairs), and the WS is giving agency over if they will accept it. That’s one of my biggest issues with RA/As is the denial of agency.

Me personally I didn’t want to hurt WW. For a big part of our relationship WW was adamant about how she would be if I ever cheated, and often accused me of it. So, I wanted to know if she would offer the forgiveness and grace she was demanding of me if I took a HP.

I don’t regret at all not doing it.

One final note on RAs- especially if it’s to hurt WS, you will be essentially just using someone for your own selfish benefit, I personally can’t live with that, and it could damage you greatly. Food for thought.

Affairs hurt people, most of all the person engaged in the affair. The lying, sneaking, drama and falseness isn't healthy.

I liken it to accidentally hitting myself with a hammer. It fucking hurts!!!

Yes, I do it on occasion, but never intentionally.

So, I would only have an affair accidentally.

I've not yet figured out how to make it happen that I accidentally end up with my pants down engaging in sexual activity with someone else!

It just seems to require intention.

There was a fella here a while back his user name is Buck if you are interested in reading his threads.

Buck and I butted heads on the daily.

Basically, after his wife’s affair he told her he was going to go sleep with someone else. And he would leave at night after their kids would go go to bed and tell his wife he was going to see the other woman. He saw her for a year and then broke up and he remained married.

Within 5 years he did it again. But this time he "fell in love" with the ap.

That broke off and he remained married for some time after that. But he still walked with disdain for his wife, he longed for his AP, and he just pretty much wanted to leave. He defended his actions, felt she deserved it, and I mean at times the shit he would say would absolutely horrify me.

Anyway, he finally decided to leave her. She attempted suicide. And while it didn’t change their marital status he took care of her for a short while.

Later, He apologized to me for not seeing what I was telling him. He admitted that the affairs neve helped him deal with his wife’s affair (I was floored he was so adamant before about what he was due, and unfortunately I was newly betrayed and taking it out on him, we triggered the fuck out of each other.) He had left his ex’s house just previously to this message, and he said he could t be responsibility for her anymore. But what he wished above all else that he had just divorced her to begin with. He finally saw that the affairs were not helpful at all, that after seeing her wanting to end her life he regretted drawing out the pain. And he acknowledged my outrage towards my husband was a better response than his wife who just let him run over her.

He stated some of those things publicly so you might find that too.

In the end what I got out of it is you don’t fight disrespect with disrespect. Drawing it out causes pain to both spouses. If you go down the reconciliation road you have to align yourself with the actions of a person who plans to mend a marriage. It may not seem fair, and does a require a lot of grace, you should decide if the actions she has taken since the affair warrant wanting to eventually find that grace.

[This message edited by hikingout at 10:28 PM, Thursday, March 21st]

Yes I thought about it. Not to get revenge but to learn what it feels like to be in an affair so I could better understand my WH’s mindset. I guess it’s the walk in someone else’s shoes for a mile kind of thing. But I would never do it because that’s just not who I am.

Thought about it -tons. I could never bring myself to put up a profile on a dating site though.
I thought if the opportunity presented itself, I would take it. However fat depressed men in their 50s are not a hot commodity

If it had happened, it would have been an exit affair. Just to rub her face it, let her know she was disposable too.

I’m glad I did not. Like hiking out said-what it would have done to me would have hurt me more than anyone else.

I had a weird client one time who cheated on his wife, left and married the other woman. Then his BW and OBS got together and got married. Not exactly RA-but so weird. To top it off, when his mom died she left her money to his kids and the kids of the other family. Nothing to him. It was her way of saying a pox on everyone’s house.

Yes..me too. I considered having a revenge affair when WW and I separated for about two months while I tried to figure out what I wanted to do after her revelation of her affairs and admission of paternity fraud. I connected with a woman in our social circle, an sccomplished musician with whom I shared an interest in classical music. I thought that I was pursuing a platonic relationship, but when it became clear to me that my acquaintance turned friend saw it differently and was open to a physical affair, I had to make it very clear that this was not my intent, and realizing I had walked very close to the edge, I withdrew before more damage n hit be done. I am very glad I did not go into a full on affairv. Still, I felt both shame at what I had come very close to doing, but also understood the pleasure of being wanted and validated by another woman's interest.

My WW's affair was unambiguously an exit affair. She told me straight up that she was leaving me for her AP. It took several months to sort out who would move out (her or me), and to divide up the shared household stuff. Initially she told me that she was going to move in with the AP. But after a month or so, it didn't appear she was taking steps to pack and move. We barely communicated, which added delay.

She continued seeing the AP during this time, but openly. This was around the holidays. During this time, I continued sleeping in our bed/bedroom. My WW took residence in the guest room, with the AP as her frequent guest. There was one instance where I returned home late after a party to find my WW and her AP canoodling in the living room. They retreated to the guest room. I went to the bathroom and vomited.

Needless to say, this was an extremely difficult period for me.

By almost happenstance I entered into a highly sexual relationship with somebody new during this time. It ended up being super dysfunctional for various reasons, and it probably stalled my healing because of the dysfunction, but at the time it felt like a glass of water to somebody dying of thirst in the dessert. It didn't hurt that the new GF was about 12 years younger than my WW (WW was 31, new GF was 19, I was 29) and way hotter than my WW. There were nights I had the new GF in the master bedroom with me, having loud and raucous sex. It wasn't a revenge affair per se, but I did allow myself a skosh of smug satisfaction when I saw the look on my WW's face the first time she laid eyes on the new GF and her insane hotness (as we shared "morning after" coffee in our kitchen, the new GF wearing one of my oversized t-shirts).

[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 11:39 PM, Monday, March 18th]

A couple of thoughts

First, I did have a fleeting thought of having a RA after I discovered my wife's infidelity. I considered it because I was emasculated by the details of my fWW's fling and a 'validation RA' felt tempting. But I didn't act on it because I had numerous sexual partners before I met my wife and even though I was overweight and my hair was thinning, I wasn't in despair about being unattractive. Additionally, my mom passed away around that time and I wasn't in a mental place where I could intentionally pursue a revenge fling.

Secondly, I knew that any potential revenge affair partner is also a human being with feelings and agency. I had an up-close look into what happens when a RA goes bad. One of my college buddies was the RA partner of an older female coworker who had learned that her husband was cheating on her with his (much younger) assistant. The problem was that my friend developed feelings for the woman and didn't take the eventual dumping by her well. He started day drinking and ended up with a DUI charge after he caused a multi-car wreck one day. No one was seriously hurt, but he lost his job and took a long time to get his footing back.

As a former BS, I understand and sympathize with the pain and trauma that sometimes drive the BS towards RA. But at the end of the day, a Revenge Affair is still an affair and cause the same types of damage a regular affair does.

As a former BS, I understand and sympathize with the pain and trauma that sometimes drive the BS towards RA. But at the end of the day, a Revenge Affair is still an affair and cause the same types of damage a regular affair does.

Amen. So true. And adds a lot of gasoline to an already existing dumpster fire.

Yes, the thought had crossed my mind, but the problem is, I won't sacrifice my values and integrity for an action that I deem so so far beneath me. It's as simple as that.

[This message edited by Copingmybest at 7:17 AM, Tuesday, March 19th]

Not an affair but a one-night stand for sure!!!

I wanted to show him it’s really not that hard to go and find someone to fuck. But what felt better was when we were out trying to have an ‘fun date night’ and he saw a guy trying to crack onto me and I politely said no I’m married and pointed to my WH.

Then when WH came over to me I looked him straight in the eyes and said ‘see it’s not fucking hard to say no’. Rolled my eyes and then went home. God that felt good!!!!

There was a BH...either here or another place that was over-moderated to the point of it turning into a ghost town, he had an RA with the AP's BW. They wound up married and i think even had a kid together.