SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Married for almost 7 yrs. Were both military. 1 yr old at home. She deployed for 6 months, came home and I found all the messages on her phone from other guys. She was basically living single out there for the last three months. Day was first week of feb and we've been sorting of sticking it out/cohabitating since then and going to marriage counseling.

She states she has learned about emotional drift which is a phenomenon of just getting really disconnected from home. She says she found herself completely disconnected from me even though I hadn't done anything wrong but she just stopped seeing herself with me anymore. Instead of communicating that to me, started accepting advances from other guys and slept with 3.

She's been recovering from the deployment which is its own process and she says every week she feels more back to normal and out of the deployment mindset and I do sense that. Every week that passes she talks differently; more apologetic, more sentimental about what we had. It's been hard for me bc she was seemingly not super remorseful on dday but was extremely upset at the Idea of divorce.

Anyone with insight into deployment? Can I give her the grace to say that was just on deployment and try to move on? I recognize she cheated bc of an internal problem with her and she accepts that and knows she needs to go to IC to work on her. I've also expressed that I now have new boundaries like I will never trust her to deploy again, she can't confide in male friends/have male friends. I know those are things for the future but I am having a really hard time moving from the "maybe" category to the "yes let's try to make it work" category. I'm closer to no and have told her in MC recently that I'm having strong thoughts of moving out in May when our family leaves (they're in town visiting for a few weeks). She really wants to try to make it work.

I think your first step is to figure out what you want, even if you don't think you can get it. Once you know what you want, you separate that from deciding what to do. If you want to D, you can proceed to D. If you want R, you can observe your W more objectively to find out if she's a good candidate for R. No matter what, since your W wants R, my reco is to focus on figuring out what you want.

What sort of support are you using? Are you talking to a chaplain who is in your corner (as opposed to being committed to the norms of their religion)? Have you tried IC? Either can help you sort out your thoughts and feelings. That, too, will help you make a better decision.

If she changed from betrayer to good partner, would you want to stay with her? If so, how would you know she changed? What would your requirements for R be?

*****

What was the deployment? Combat? That's uber-stressful ... you may die tomorrow, so you might as well party today.

The deployment may provide reasons for your W's going off track, but I believe the fact that she cheated is much more important than the reasons. You have to accept that she cheated, but you certainly don't have to stay with her.

Good luck. I know this is an awful time for you, but have faith in yourself to survive and thrive.

duplicate

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:31 PM, Tuesday, April 16th]

ex USN here

I stayed single until long after end of enlistment - long term didn't like the future I saw

which included a LOT of cheaters both on the ship and "back at home."

didn't consider a serious relationship because of what I saw, rank & file enlisted, Chiefs, Officers - no matter all cut from same cloth.

You:

Anyone with insight into deployment? Can I give her the grace to say that was just on deployment and try to move on? I recognize she cheated bc of an internal problem with her and she accepts that and knows she needs to go to IC to work on her. I've also expressed that I now have new boundaries like I will never trust her to deploy again, she can't confide in male friends/have male friends. I

Tough call - my vote would be separation and see how she does and "send her on another deployment." HA! not really

She is lacking in Integrity and the "deployment" situation just enabled the things she did. Possible she has "FOO" issues that are subconsciously working on her (the way she behaves) but - the words you post about "moving forward" are not very positive.

If you stay, prepare for worse to come. Unless she gets herself figured out - and also consider - just maybe she ain't marriage material. It happens.

Others will come along to post and maybe you could ask "The Mods" to move to Just Found Out - likely to see a more to the point you're at posts.

Bluntly speaking - "deployment" had little bearing other than providing a better time and place since you were no where around to watch or keep tabs on her activties.

Bluntly speaking - "deployment" had little bearing other than providing a better time and place since you were no where around to watch or keep tabs on her activties.

I second that wholeheartedly. Deployment doesn't make you a cheater. It just makes it much easier to be one.

The military definitely has its own culture, and more than the usual amount of stressors that can lead to infidelity. Whew. But deployment is no excuse. Plenty of people deploy without cheating. Plenty of spouses are left behind who don't cheat, though we've all heard the horror stories about those who do. Cheaters gonna cheat. If you don't trust her to deploy again and require that she not have male friends, she'd probably better just go ahead and ride out this enlistment and separate from the service. I can't see how either of those boundaries are compatible with active duty.

I'm a Marine wife. My H cheated for the first time when we were apart in the middle of a duty station change. He was hanging out with his old buddies from his single days in Okinawa - and acting single. He deployed to Desert Storm before we reunited, some things happened there that led to PTSD, and I thought he was a stressed-out weirdo with me because of that. Turns out, he was weird because of that, but also because he'd had a ONS with a WM before he ever deployed. I didn't find out until over a decade later about the cheating or the extent of the combat trauma.

He got out about two years after Desert Storm. I wanted him to stay in, but he knew that he'd need to be apart from me again for an extended amount of time, either for WO school, an unaccompanied tour, or a Med float, but he didn't want to miss that much of our daughter's toddlerhood, and I think he also didn't trust himself. So he got out. These days, we're both wishing he'd retired so we could be enjoying those sweet bennies, but who knows where we might have ended up. I dunno. He cheated again in the civilian world. He probably would have cheated again on active duty, too. Semper Fi, my ass. Sorry. I'm having a little moment.

Anyway, if she wants to try to make it work, and if you want the same, I'd make counseling a requirement. Individual counseling for her, and marriage counseling to check in on progress. And some IC for you too, to deal with the trauma of infidelity.

[This message edited by SacredSoul33 at 11:05 PM, Monday, April 15th]

Ex Army here. I did over 7 combat deployments in the thick of the war years, and a few euro rotations when those became the new thing.

So knowing what I know, I’m guessing she was not in a combat deployment, as those are rare nowadays, though it’s possible. I only make that distinction because there was a difference in my mental state while in combat vs my rotations. When getting bombed and all that constantly, people certainly used sex/cheating as an escape. It was rampant.

Euro/Korea rotation, there’s no real threat.

Nothing justifies her sleeping around no matter the circumstances, and with three different dudes? Naw man. That’s not a because of a deployment thing. That’s because she was one of a few women in an isolated environment, and she had opportunity. Probably in a way never before where she could pick and choose. You’re asking about circumstances deployed so I assume you haven’t been yourself.

You got a majority male unit, with less then %10 female, we used to call them deployment queens. You would see then walking around, with like their own private security detail of dudes who wanted to be "just friends." You don’t have integrity, and strict boundaries, then it’s a recipe for failure.

Long after post edit: I just wanted to say, the point of my post is that I know deployments and I know military culture. I’ve worked with all branches, and while the mission may be different, the culture is pretty ubiquitous. In my decade or so of being deployed in one way or another I have seen it all. My opinion, the deployment did not cause her or had anything to do with her hooking up with 3 dudes, it just gave her the opportunity. My wife cheated on me while I was deployed, because the opportunity was there.

Also, and of course you don’t have to disclose anything, but if she is an officer and the guys she hooked up with are enlisted she has opened a huge can of worms where if anyone finds out she will be given the boot. If she is an officer at all, she has jeopardized her career. Enlisted can usually get away with adultery, though not always. Especially if it’s a case of senior NCO and jr enlisted. Officers, especially those in rank of O3 and below, will usually not be spared if anything comes to light. So, she not only ruined her marriage, but she ruined her reputation (believe me the entire unit knows she hooked up), and put her career at serious risk.

[This message edited by HellIsNotHalfFull at 12:48 PM, Tuesday, April 16th]

Not military, but I did a lot of research about the myth about infidelity and law-enforcement and there is a lot in common.
Turns out that although divorce rates are slightly higher in LEO marriages then the infidelity rate seems the same, and infidelity ratio male/female, LEO/spouse the same as in the general public. The prevalent theory is that the unique type of stress the uncertainty of law enforcement places on a marriage, work-traumas, plus the shifts, irregular hour etc are the cause of the slightly higher divorce rate.
It’s been researched that the heartbeat of a LEO spouse raises at the sound of a siren – is that my spouse? Will he/she be safe? When is he/she coming home?

I mention this because I know the military has done comparable research and reached comparable conclusions. Military divorce rates are higher than average. Probably same causes as LEO. A big problem in WW2 was the infidelity-rate and a spike in divorce that negatively impacted moral.

All this long text to share this with you:

The military acknowledges this situation and offers some of the best marriage guidance resources available. I strongly recommend you use those resources. That could help you and your wife – both individually and as a couple – decide if you want to reconcile or not.

NO – Do NOT give her some free pass on this.

Allow me to pile on. Currently serving with over 30 years in uniform. Too many deployments to count, to include "remote" or "unaccompanied" assignments. The unaccompanied ones even had easy access to sex workers, sometimes a few yards outside of the gate.
Infidelity is more common among those away from home, but it's not a regular thing and certainly not an excuse. True, the stress of combat can make you feel and think things that can lead to harmful behaviors (drugs, suicidal ideations, etc), but it's not a given that someone not already predisposed to cheating will cheat.
Oh, and I was gone a lot longer than six months away from hearth and home...so, no.
The good news is that there are a lot of counseling resources for active duty military just returned from deployments, and the culture has really improved now that psychological counseling is not the career killer it was once considered to be. She can/should/must go to seek help. Literally, no excuses.
What does that mean to you? Don't feel compelled to stick around and wait for her to get that magical epiphany that will suddenly make her safe. Get some physical/emotional/financial distance from her if you need to to heal. You can decide to divorce her later if you don't see improvement to your satisfaction.
Also, seek counseling yourself and keep coming back here to post. You don't have to do this alone. There's a lot of collective wisdom here that can help you navigate your way through this.
Stay strong.

I want to add to what 1994 said. Getting help is not a career killer anymore. I did, and it was the best decision I ever made. I had a lot of other problems and the A just made everything impossible.

I got help, I used the resources the military provided and it helped me tremendously. I’m glad I did, and I wish I had done it sooner.

If you have any questions about where to start, let me know and I can tell you where I started. Also, I don’t think MC is what you need right now. You both need to have IC, and you need to see change and proof she can be trusted/safe. Then you can work on the marriage if you want.

And again to echo 1994, stay strong, you will get through this one way or another

Retired Soldier here.

I guess you could accept her rationale at face value, but then you would have to accept that any deployment (or FTX, travel, schools, or any of the multitude of reasons for time away from home common with the military) will result in the same thing.

Her reasoning is bovine excrement, because it is not a true "why", but rather it is a "what". And if that is the depth of her dive into why she allowed herself to cheat, then you need to send her on her way, because she will continue to be placed in positions where she will be tested just simply due to the nature of military culture.