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Any tips on battling the social media devil?

[This message edited by taymccrvr at 7:03 PM, Wednesday, May 15th]

Welcome to SI sorry this has happened. After Dday my W got rid of SnapChat, it’s a cheating app. I told her she didn’t need an app to communicate with anyone, that’s what phones are for.

I actually logged her Snapchat on my phone for a while catching all the guys "just checking in".

Sorry you’re here :(

You’re still really early into this.
I’m 7 months out and when my H forgets and takes his phone into the bathroom I lose it. He’s usually really good at remembering not to but sometimes out of habit he will.

We have an open phone policy now, I can look and will look whenever the hell I want to. He broke my trust and now he doesn’t get that privacy or his phone anymore and he agrees.
He didn’t have Snapchat so maybe I can’t fully relate , I know that can be super sneaky. My H communicated through text. When his text goes off he’s gotten to the point he will tell me who is messaging him and will show me (he isn’t super social so usually it’s work or family).

I still sometimes will have my heart sink when I hear it go off but he is quick to reassure me without me asking.
Maybe you can explain this is what you need for a while?

Hi, welcome to SI. So sorry you find yourself here.

Gently, you are not married yet, and your fiance is cheating. This could be a one-off or a pattern that he's kept a secret from you. In any event, he is not faithful.

I highly suggest at minimum you postpone the wedding.

He's failed at being a fiance, he's shown you who he is, you need time, lots of it, if you decide to marry him. He has to prove that this will never happen again bc understand once you are married, life gets more complicated and I would hate for you to have to look over his shoulder and be hyper-vigilant. It's exhausting and not healthy.

You deserve someone who is going to remain faithful 24/7.

He needs to be an open book, transparent with his phone, social media, emails, voicemails, any accountable for his whereabouts at all times.

Do you know who this woman is? A co-worker possibly?

Put your wedding dreams away for another day. Your SO has shown you who he is and what he thinks of you. NEVER let another person have that kind of power over you. Quoting Maya Angelou…when someone shows/tells you who they are believe them the first time. Because there will be a second and a third…and on.
Right now he should be cherishing you and he is badmouthing you. You are a unique person and should be treated as such.
Give him back the ring. It should be the best present you never want from him again.

Being engaged is a lead up or practice for being married. Like a test before the real thing. He failed the test. No marriage, no children - run. You are lucky as he showed you who he is early on.

So sorry you find yourself here. The issue isn't social media, it is your fiancé's commitment to honesty and fidelity and to you. There are so many ways to cheat for someone who isn't 100% invested in the relationship, and snapchat is one of dozens of easy ways to connect with or search for playmates. If he said disparaging things about you, or indicated he is not committed to you in his conversations with OW, then you need to pay attention. He is showing you your future. There is no easy fix for this, if you want to stay together. He needs to figure out why he is unable to honor the promises and vows of engagement and marriage, and figure out what you mean to him. He likely needs therapy more than the polygraph, and he needs to grow up and own his feelings and needs and figure his crap out so he doesn't hurt you further. You can be the perfect mate but if he is harboring secrets and secret friends, and lying to himself, it doesn't matter.

And to answer your original question, I am six years out and a message ding on his phone can still startle and trigger me, even though we have 100% transparency now. I don't go looking at his phone often, but I am reminded daily of how easily technology brought outsiders and betrayal into our marriage. Broken trust lingers.

Best of luck to you finding a safe place in the early stages of your relationship. I hope six months is enough time for you to work through this, but echo the advice to put those wedding dreams on hold. Your man isn't ready.

[This message edited by whatisloveanyway at 1:25 PM, Tuesday, May 14th]

I am about a month from DDay. I catch myself looking at her phone every night to see if texts or calls were deleted. I check them against the phone records I downloaded. Some I know she deleted - conversations between her and her friends - which a bit suspicious I let it go for her privacy. Trying to get out of the habit but every once in a while I get triggered and go for it.

As others have said, you aren't married yet and hes cheating. Im here after finally getting the courage to leave a serial cheater. In my personal experience, and from what ive seen on here, they rarely stop. They may pause things, but generally the thrill of it is too much to walk away from forever. I found my husbands first A in a similar way. But looking back, im certain it wasnt the first, just the first I caught. My advice, that I got from many other wonderful people here, is that you deserve better and once a cheater always a cheater. I wish I would have walked away after the first time. So much. I feel like Ive lost so much time hoping he would change. I was always checking his phone. I stopped for a while but then my gut started screaming that something was going on and I started again. Any relationship is nothing without trust. What you are able to forgive and if you are able to commit to him and trust him fully is up to you (and him to prove). So it's really up to you on how you think you should handle it. I would urge you to take the wedding out of consideration. I know it's hard when you have a big expensive "thing" coming up, but think about down the road if you find him cheating again, how will that look. what about if you have kids? The further into your marriage you go, the harder it can be to call it off bc there's so much going on. But like I said, my husband wound p being a serial cheater when I NEVER ever thought he would cheat on me. Ive never trusted anyone more in my life, and then I never trusted him again.

Can this post be locked, please?

I'll alert the moderators.

Hi all

13 years after Dday you would think I wouldn't be looking. I didn't often. Sometimes I'd go months without looking.

Last August for some odd reason I did and found a message from OW3. "Hi FWH. It's me OW3". This was 2 weeks after he got the message via FB Messenger. I now know that after 10+ years she has moved back to Australia from the UK.

He didn't tell me she contacted him. I was enraged. How F..ing dare he!!! He used the old excuse "I didn't tell you because I didn't want to upset you". FW!!

I then started sifting through stuff seriously and found another message sent to an old girlfriend (pre me) after she messaged him earlier last year.

Too many words that should not be written even to a girlfriend from almost 45 years ago. "You were so beautiful", "I'm so sorry if I hurt you". Didn't need to be said. Should never be said by a FWH supposedly in R. From something she said I suspect she may have actually preceded OW0. My numbering system is ludicrous I know. (I guess I will have to call her OW negative 1).I think he may have had a one night stand with her while we were engaged. He really is a piece of work.

So. No advice I can give. All I can do is share my experience. It's not pretty.

Hugs to all
Laura

taymccrvr

Please read my profile honey. We have been married 42 years. Dday 14 years ago.

OW-1 When we were engaged. I found out last year.

Then there was OW0

OW1

OW2

OW3

Supposed Reconciliation.

13 years post DDay contact with OW3 and OW-1.

RUN honey. Please.