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Why am I now feeling guilty that I’m not sure if it’s best for me to continue in this relationship?

Been in ‘R’ for nearly a year although feels more like rug sweeping from both of us and alright, maybe I should be making more effort to reconcile than I am rather than holding him at arms length or assuming he should be the one doing everything to show love/affection but I feel like I just want time on my own. I feel like my soul has been murdered and I have no joy or sparkle for life anymore. I feel like I’m disconnected even from myself.

Maybe we can work it out after some time apart and solo healing or maybe it will be the catalyst for my personal growth and I’ll realise I prefer life without him.

But I see so many people on here who have reconciled I feel like I’m a failure for not properly trying.

He didn’t receive a lot of love growing up so I feel guilty that I still feel unsure and in limbo about how I feel about us, and often fantasise a version of my life without him.

What if it’s the wrong decision to part ways when clearly it’s so common place?

I feel like I haven’t given us a chance but I don’t want to waste more of my life in such a negative headspace. I’m only 30.

He got another woman pregnant. Let’s say that again. He cheated on you for four years and got her pregnant.

Don’t feel guilty at all. You do what is best for you, not him. He lost that right 5 years ago. He’s the failure not you. So what if it takes you 5 years to start trying R, that’s his problem, shouldn’t have cheated on you. It may never be a time for you because it’s just too much. No one here thinks that you are failing at all because we have all been there. You’re ready when you are.

Be kind to yourself, the fact that you are even trying after all of that speaks highly of your strength, and your empathy and courage.

I do recommend stop making excuses for him. So what he had a crappy childhood and was never shown love. So have the vast majority of the world. Still doesn’t excuse him from being a good partner.

A year is nothing in time line for R. This is your individual journey and it takes as long as you need.

It may never be long enough.

ETA: when you imagine your life without him, do you feel a huge sense of peace and relief? I mean this seriously. Take time, really think about it, if you feel that, and when you think about your future with him and only feel dread…you have your answer.

[This message edited by HellIsNotHalfFull at 11:30 PM, Wednesday, June 12th]

At about a year, I was able to see that my XWH wasn't doing the work and the intense pain from the initial dday was subsiding a little. I did pull back some because he had to prove to me that he was going to be a safe partner and treat me better if I was going to remain in the M. I wasn't in R for reconciliation, I was in Recovery.

But I see so many people on here who have reconciled I feel like I’m a failure for not properly trying.

There are plenty of us on here that didn't R, and there are many here who didn't cheat. It isn't a failure to R, it's a decision to move forward with your life in the manner that is in your best interests.

Maybe the A was a deal-breaker for you...and that's ok. If you're only 30, you have so much life left. If you feel some time apart would be helpful, maybe that's what you need to try for awhile.

You should NEVER feel guilty for putting yourself first in a situation like this.

Rug sweeping is only going to make things worse for you because you will feel resentment towards him for NOT doing the work to make amends.

During my husband’s midlife crisis affair he kept telling me he wanted a D but yet did nothing about it. Why? Because in his mind if I D him then he coukd absolve himself of any wrongdoing or responsibility for the D. He could tell himself "she D me" as though his affair had nothing to do with it.

Cheaters have a very unique way of thinking 😡😡. They blame the betrayed spouse oftentimes. They justify WHY they cheated with things like "my betrsyed didn’t love me" and other nonsense.

My very expensive therapist told me that a "successful" D is one where you tried your best but the marriage just cannot survive an affair or other child being born as the result if an affair or addiction or whatever.

When I told my H I was D him on dday2 it was b/c he left me with no other choice. I did everything possible but he still continued to cheat. And I never had any regrets about it.

And you should not either.

If you cannot see yourself being HAPPY staying married to your spouse, life is too short to remain in an unhappy and miserable marriage.

I hope this helps you.

"There are plenty of us on here that didn't R, and there are many here who didn't cheat. It isn't a failure to R, it's a decision to move forward with your life in the manner that is in your best interests."

This ^^^

The work needed for true reconciliation and for a wayward to become a safe partner is monumental I think. One of the most powerful things I read after choosing divorce because exwh was not willing to do what it would take to become a safe faithful partner much less heal what he had broken in his family is that I did not have to set myself on fire to keep another person warm. I tried for years and it burnt me out and left me in the cold.

It was fully up to exwh to figure out what in him was broken that he would risk my health and my life and dishonor me as his wife and destroy his family and taint his legacy with his actions.

Despite his and other people’s efforts to shame and blame me for his cheating which began 5 years (acknowledged and who knows how soon actually) into our decades long legal marriage, the onus was on him.

In other words, it did not matter WHY exwh was a lying cheater who would do the damage he did to his wife and family. Lots of people have less than ideal childhoods. And they work on themselves and honor their commitments. And build up their families and legacy’s. What mattered is what exwh did about his FOO stuff. Exwh could have spent the amount of time working on himself and his whys that he did cheating and attention seeking from randoms. But he didn’t and I couldn’t and shouldn’t (and chose to stop trying) to do the work for him…

I read an email I was sent this week about having standards. The author of the email was talking about how having standards helps us have energy for what is truly impactful and good. The author also talked about feeling guilty for wanting to have better. I can identify with that. I wanted a relationship where I could trust my partner to be faithful through life’s ups and downs. I wanted a life that was as free from unproductive interpersonal conflict as we could make it. Where problem solving and respectful communication were the norm. And yet I truly grieved the loss of a relationship based on lies (my marriage) where exwh massively disrespected me and was unfaithful. I felt guilty for leaving for what my soul truly wanted and needed.

I don’t claim to understand why you may be having the feelings you are or what the best way forward is for you. I think my feeling of guilt were shame based. People shamed me for the affair and divorce. They told me I was responsible for EXWH’s cheating. If I had just done or not done something he would not have cheated. They blamed me for not just "getting over" his affair as if it was a simple mistake. Like exwh slipped and dropped a prized dish and accidentally broke it. Not like exwh made his choice to betray me thousands of times. To these voices that were put in my head I say a solid no.

I wish you peace and healing and for the clarity and strength to make the choice that is best for you.

The work needed for true reconciliation and for a wayward to become a safe partner is monumental I think

Oh absolutely I don't think many get a truly successful R. I would say the majority rugsweep it. If your WS is not putting in the work or you are not feeling it I would 100% leave, especially if there are no kids and tangled finances. It's not an easy decision either way whether it be R or D, but at least with leaving you can heal without the constant trigger of the perpetrator WS.

I felt guilt for leaving, but mainly for my kids as I was breaking up their family even though my xWS was the initiator of the breakdown of the M. You have to do what is best for YOU. Having the baggage of an A with the anchors of constant triggers and questioning the WS behavior and how it affects you, IMO it is too much. Infidelity is always a dealbreaker.

Maybe you are not there yet to make that decision. You will know and it will be crystal clear when it happens. One day you will realize you are worth more that what happened to you and deserving of a partner who treats you the way you should be treated. It's not so bad on the other side. I was with my xWS 19 years before I left. Hardest decision, but the best decision I have made in my life. I have not regret it one time since leaving. Wishing you peace and happiness in your decisions going forward no matter which path you decide to take. You will always be supported here.

You feel guilty because your brain is coming around to ending a relationship with someone who you love and care about, and who you know will be devastated by the end of the relationship. Having empathy for your spouse is a sign you're a good person, but just because you feel bad, doesn't mean what you are considering doing is bad or wrong. Breakups - particularly breakups of a long-term relationship like yours - are difficult. They just are.

Your job though, is to do what is best for you and to make the best choices for yourself. I know that feels risky and scary and brave, and it is. In the chaos of the immediate aftermath of D-day a lot of new BSs can't fathom not being with their partner because they had never seriously considered their life without that person previously. It makes sense that it's not the kind of thing that comes easily. As the dust has cleared over the past year though, you've had the chance to consider an alternative life and future for yourself. You've also had a chance to observe what your spouse's efforts at R look like and you've had a chance to better assess whether he has what it takes to be the partner you want/deserve in life.

Infidelity is a dealbreaker... always. He knew that and he did it anyway... for 4 years. At no time did you owe him the gift of reconciliation. You certainly did not owe him a greater amount of effort than he himself put into it. Like you said, you are only 30 and you have already invested an enormous amount of time into this person. The next 10 or so years of your life are very important in framing what the next 40 or so are likely to look like. You owe it to yourself to listen to your gut. You deserve sparkle and joy and the opportunity to grow as a person. I=nfidelity aside, if you do not feel like you can do that in this relationship, then perhaps this relationship is not the place for you.

I am sorry you are feeling like that.

Reconciliation is a possibility that you give to yourself and to the cheater and to the couple IF there is this willingness on both sides. It is not a mandatory choice and it is not 100% successful.

Starting a reconciliation after an affair is hard, after an affair in which he impregnated the other woman is a lot harder. The process of forgiveness and restart of the couple is like a bet on a horse, it can go well or the horse can be so lame to the point it will never make it. And unfortunately you can't know until you don't give it a try. It was worth trying, you surely have learnt some things about yourself that you had never experienced before.

At one point, if it does not work, if the pain is more than the benefits, should you stay? You did well to give yourself time to think and to give it a try, but if things don't improve and time goes by, it is time to rethink everything.

I wish you the wisdom to make the right choice for yourself.

Thank you all for replying — some hard hitting reality checks provided there which I definitely needed. So thank you!

I think I’m absolutely rug sweeping it all myself tbh like if I write down his actions and take emotion out of it just base it on facts, regardless how sorry he is or how well he behaves now, I think to myself how can you possibly give this guy a second chance after all of that.

It’s very hard when you have a good base friendship and get on well, and then during my cycle my body betrays me by thinking how handsome he is 🫠but I need to remember that I just get breadcrumb attention and affection just enough to pacify me for another few weeks or months!

It’s like my brain has buried the magnitude of what he’s done…which I know will come out in unhealthy ways in the future so I do think time apart will help me gain clarity and hopefully start to end my codependency.

I’m feeling annoyed at myself for being so passive and not taking a firm stance on the situation and standing up for myself which hopefully I will have the strength to do soon. (Despite feeling like we’ve failed as a couple and that I’ve failed by not putting in enough effort. I’ll have to accept that’s how it went and perhaps it was my gut/intuition guiding me that it is right to try and R so it’s not allowed me to fully step back in)

Were on holiday now and he hadn’t tried to initiate any sex or connection since January yet now we’re on holiday he’s trying and its making me annoyed again at that!

I think I feel sorry for him, he’s trying to grow and sometimes I see the person I knew and fell in love with (which is part of what’s kept me stuck for so long) but I feel sorry for him that I’m potentially going to pull the plug and likely upset him. I know I’m pathetic and he doesn’t deserve my sympathy 🙈🙈

This is probably the hardest thing I’ve ever had to deal with! Hence my desperate and uncohesive messages! Thanks for all the advice, I need it 🥰❤️

I understand well the kind of ambivalence you describe, and how to decide to find peace going forward.

I was already just past menopause on D Day 1 so there wasn't the biological pull for sex on my part, the disgust I felt for him was the over-riding emotion. And the fear, underneath the disgust, that this guy was a monster. Going to sleep next to your Prince but then waking up in the middle of the night with some creature from the netherworld laying right next to you! I experienced that sensation the night before his first PA confession. (I'd been cross-examining him for weeks and my gut had been screaming at me....yet I had no idea....) That is why I could never feel safe again having sex with him, sadly, because we had been a happy couple that way...it just wasn't meaningful to him.

Imagine yourself 35 years from now.

Thank you, that’s what I keep trying to do, picture 35 years from now what do I want future me to look like and my future relationship.

I know that how we are, we definitely can’t continue as it’s not fulfilling we’re basically roommates again/ friends.

He makes off the cuff remarks about oh if we had a kid I’d want to do xyz but neither of us makes any plans to have children or get married and we never have to be honest, we’ve just coasted our whole relationship. We’ve done some travelling and got houses and dogs but we’ve not committed through marriage or having a family.

I said to him why did you never propose and his response was ‘well would you have wanted me to propose when I was sleeping with someone else?’ Like, this feels like a red flag comment ?! But it feels so damn hard to leave when we get on so well generally and I keep going back to well if I start putting more effort in then maybe it can work and get better.

I still haven’t been able to tell him I love him….and he isn’t saying it to me either. Is it fair for me to expect him to still be saying this to me anyway?

In an ironic (or maybe my naivety again) twist, staying together feels like my safe option as I do believe he wouldn’t do it again (even though I believed he wouldn’t do it in the first place 🙄) but everything you read and hear says don’t choose the safe guy.

I think I’m realising what peace of mind is now.. I’m not obsessing over if he’s still up to no good (this obviously could change in the future) but it’s having that quiet mind, that contentment with life and your choices and not over thinking every thought or action or decision. This is probably what is causing me to want to take a break or actually part ways more than the affair itself, I no longer have a quiet content mind and I so desperately just want peace I literally feel broken most of time and I’m a year out. Maybe I’m not doing enough to help my healing but i don’t know what else I should be doing.

I think many of us, who are faithful, feel that no matter what, we've got to give it our all, to a point, a red line point that keeps drifting past where we ever thought we would be.

A lot goes into that point drifting, kids, house, time, pets, etc.

Then, when we finally are done, we think maybe we should have tried just a little bit harder, gone further, etc.

Go to far, you are co-dependent. Don't go far enough, you are too harsh and unforgiving.

Where to draw the line? All I know is that when you know you are "DONE", accept it and follow through.

IC can help with the guilt, ongoing betrayal never will.

I completely rug swept my H’s 4 year EA that I knew was going on but he refused to admit to (at least to me). He did however admit it to the second OW.

In my experience my rug sweeping gave him "permission" to cheat again. He just thought I would continue to be a doormat and either not find out or just rug sweep again.

However on dday2 of affair 2 I became someone he never expected to see. And yo this day I am positive he wished he never unleashed the "new" me.

No means no, I don’t back down ever, I don’t negotiate and he knows I will walk out the door in a heartbeat. He also knows if I even THINK he’s being shady- there is no conversation. I’m just moving on.

Please don’t think "he won’t cheat again". You can only be sure he won’t cheat again if he’s six feet under lol. 😂

Please don’t think "he won’t cheat again". You can only be sure he won’t cheat again if he’s six feet under lol. 😂

^^^^

This is so funny 🤣🤣 and absolutely true hahaha

Maybe the guilt is also toward myself by leaving I forfeit this comfortable lifestyle we have and I’d be choosing to be alone. So I feel guilty at having to make this choice and put myself into an unknown and possibly scary position. I might find someone else who could be a lot worse or I could find someone who could be a lot better.

Definitely scared of the unknown right now. And I definitely need to work on my codependency - by doing things on my own or at least with other people which I have absolutely been doing this last year so I have felt growth in that respect.

I’m sorry I know I sound pathetic no one need get their mini violins out for me but it’s just good for me to get it all out to be honest.

Society always says you should leave a cheater and I think I’m stubborn won’t be told what to do but then coming on here and finding out so many actually stay together has left me confused with what I actually want.

A break is in order for me to get my head my head clear. Currently on holiday but still this is where my brains at so this can’t go on. It’s not healthy

Where else in your life have you either walked away from someone….or wanted to walk away from someone but just felt like you couldn’t?

It’s likely that a past wounding is being triggered. And if that’s the case, you’re better served to figure out that parallel than trying to pep talk yourself into or out of a choice.

Never been in this situation or had to make such a life altering decision in my life 😬😭

Perhaps the parallel is from a childhood wound but of what I have no idea

We make life altering decisions every day…but yes, the ones that we consciously know are life altering carry a different kind of weight. Regardless, there is no crystal ball.

Follow the feeling if the parallel is not obvious. ❤️

Your guilt, borderline shame, is not a logical response. And the notion that you can bury or suppress it for the sake of the outcome for your husband/marriage is not authentic or honest. Yes, we have to weigh out choices…they’re frequently not linear. But the guilt/shame is the obstacle here - not the choice or its outcome.

Focus there. And preferably outside of this particular context.

ETA: Journaling helped me a lot in this area, particularly using pen and paper.

[This message edited by truthsetmefree at 8:19 PM, Sunday, June 16th]

You cannot fix him. You cannot change him. The only person you control is you. He KNOWS he had a rotten childhood. There are all types of therapy out there. I usually recommend EMDR because it helps bring up bad memories and takes the sting out of them. Then talk therapy takes over to learn adult skills.
I don’t know his history but am throwing this out there for HIM to think about. People whose childhoods were toxic never learn to trust others so they wall themselves off emotionally. In many cases as soon as they feel deeply about another person it cause serious anxiety because feeling that way as a child felt too dangerous. He kept the door open while with you because he does not trust you. He doesn’t trust anyone. Cheating might have been the way he kept an emotional wall up so you couldn’t get too close. This is just a guess and could be completely wrong.
You need to protect your young heart and give it to someone who treasures you. Remember, you can’t fix him. He has to and so far is failing at most of it.