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So he didn’t quit the band three days in a row after saying he would. Hasn’t seemed himself, been with it at all.

We spoke last night. He’s having the same mental health problems he was having before which I won’t go into but were serious enough that he ended up in hospital. No I don’t think he’s lying about that because I can see it and have noticed it coming back over the last few weeks/months.

His new proposition (but he has said if I choose to end things he’ll go without a fuss and leave me alone) is:

* straight back to the drs and back on his medication (doing that today)
* IC immediately (which he’s fought against the whole time)
* having a conversation with band members so that they treat his alcoholism the same way as the other guy - with respect and concern and intervening if needed.
* straight back to hotel rooms after gigs

He’s also suggested looking for a different job that is only UK based and less gigs.

I feel like my emotions are getting in the way of me thinking about this properly. I feel like he let me down again by not doing as he said. I feel like I’m second best to his job if he’s willing to leave me as long as he can stay in his job. I feel like he can’t love me the way I need him to.

I also know that I am in an incredibly emotional state right now and it’s probably not a good idea to make big decisions, but that I am struggling with living with him. I don’t want a temporary split because I think that would make things worse. I want to make a decision and move on with my life but I don’t feel like I have the energy, mentally or physically, to do so.

He’s offering what I was asking for before but it feels like maybe it’s too late? I don’t know if I can accept it anymore.

I’m also obviously concerned about his wellbeing now. I’m wondering if maybe the IC will help and have a knock on off effect in helping the relationship.

Am I just being stubborn and refusing to accept what I’ve been asking for? I’m thinking of seeing how it goes. I’m worried that he’ll make the changes away from me and then I’ll see that and regret not trying again.

I just really don’t know what to do.

It must be difficult to see your WH struggle with mental health issues. It is certainly confusing that he would agree to things above and beyond what you asked originally, go back to bargaining with you and suggesting other solutions, and also say he'd be fine if you wanted to end things.

Bargaining and going back on promises is not a good sign for real change. Among other things, it indicates that he thinks he has multiple chances. Also realize that right now you alone are advocating for the family, finances, and children. He is advocating for himself and his interests.

This is concerning:

* having a conversation with band members so that they treat his alcoholism the same way as the other guy - with respect and concern and intervening if needed.

It indicates that he is not accepting that sobriety is solely his responsibility. Why should his band mate's make it their problem?

Question: What do you think he would do if you initiated divorce? How would he handle his life and his relationships with you and his children? I think maybe that is the biggest predictor of his future behavior. What about separation? You could let it be known that it is a final chance to prove himself. How would he act?

I'm concerned that it looks like he repeatedly fails to meet commitments and you keep moving your boundaries.

I'm more concerned that he seems to offer things he needs to do for himself as incentives for you to stay - i.e. he'll take care of himself only if you agree to stay.

I wonder if he's making you his parent and thereby putting responsibilities on you that he needs to take on for himself.

If I'm seeing him right, he's a lousy candidate for R.

And - this is an observation, not a criticism - you're not in shape for R, either, because you appear to be unable to set and maintain good boundaries for yourself. That's a problem you can solve, though. You can't solve his problem.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:00 PM, Friday, September 20th]

I agree with sisoon.

His new proposition (but he has said if I choose to end things he’ll go without a fuss and leave me alone) is:

* straight back to the drs and back on his medication (doing that today)

* IC immediately (which he’s fought against the whole time)

* having a conversation with band members so that they treat his alcoholism the same way as the other guy - with respect and concern and intervening if needed.

* straight back to hotel rooms after gigs

He’s also suggested looking for a different job that is only UK based and less gigs.

I see this as a way for him to placate you while remaining with the band, which is really just another form of cake-eating. It's a shitty cake with a fear-and-manipulation filling (I'll leave you alone; woe is me; I'm a martyr) and a little hopium sprinkled on top (I'll look for a new job). Especially since this is what you asked for before and he refused.

You're acting out of fear. I think you need to figure out what you want - not the minimum that you're willing to accept, but what you WANT. And I also think that separation is exactly what you need. You're so wrapped up in trying to manage him and reacting to what he's doing and he doesn't seem to be too interested in doing any of the work needed to become a safe partner. At least not uncoerced. I truly think that you need to take your focus off of him and redirect it to healing yourself and doing what's best for you.

[This message edited by SacredSoul33 at 4:42 PM, Friday, September 20th]

You know what you want and it’s him leaving the band, getting a job which is equal in pay to yours, and for him to be a responsible parent and mate.
Is he doing any of that? There’s your answer.

There's a silly old joke I heard when I moved to the southern US.
Question: How do you stop a Southern Baptist from drinking all your beer when you go fishing?
Answer: You invite two of them.

It's not a critique of their religion. It's a commentary on the type of person who will only do the right thing when someone is there to hold them accountable. They lack inner accountability. Your WH gives off that vibe. And at some point, he will be in a situation or several where no one is there. That's not your responsibility.

You know what you want and it’s him leaving the band, getting a job which is equal in pay to yours, and for him to be a responsible parent and mate.

Exactly this!!!

The only thing I have to add is this:

You might be willing to compromise on what you're willing to tolerate from him as a partner, but you should never compromise on what you expect of him as a parent.

Will leaving him make him a better parent? Probably not. But at least you would no longer be modeling a lousy relationship to your kids and won't feel obligated to make excuses for his failures as a father.

It indicates that he is not accepting that sobriety is solely his responsibility. Why should his band mate's make it their problem?

Maybe I didn't explain that bit very well. It's not that he's saying it should be their problem or responsibility. He's been friends with one of the members since they were teenagers, he's a bit younger and I guess it's peer pressure but if my partner says he's not going out/drinking, he'll pile the pressure on. What he means by having that conversation is he wants to make sure the other guy stops doing that and is aware that it's an addiction that he's struggling to control and make sure that his friend no longer behaves that way about it. Also I guess for extra reassurance, he was talking about the sober guy and that they know if they see him drinking that he's in trouble and would try to step in to help.

Question: What do you think he would do if you initiated divorce? How would he handle his life and his relationships with you and his children? I think maybe that is the biggest predictor of his future behavior. What about separation? You could let it be known that it is a final chance to prove himself. How would he act?

After the conversations we've had recently, I think he would concentrate on his mental and physical health and getting his finances in order to support himself and our kids (which he's already started doing).

I'm concerned that it looks like he repeatedly fails to meet commitments and you keep moving your boundaries.

This is one of my concerns too.

I see this as a way for him to placate you while remaining with the band, which is really just another form of cake-eating.

I'm not sure about this because this mental health problem scares him because of how bad it got before so I think these are steps he would take anyway right now to prevent it from getting worse.

You know what you want and it’s him leaving the band, getting a job which is equal in pay to yours, and for him to be a responsible parent and mate.
Is he doing any of that? There’s your answer.

He's actually starting a new job next week (as well as the band but a 'normal' job) and he'll be earning more money than me. He's also suggested looking for a band that's UK based only and way less gigs.

I have read through all this twice. And very gently it sounds like you are setting yourself up for "lather - rinse - repeat"

That he'll "get himself together" long enough to get you off his back.

You aren't his parent, preacher or sponsor. Nor should you assume any of those roles.

And he shouldn't weaponize him taking care of himself and being a grown up.

ETA - the fact that you have to keep moving the goalposts of your boundaries should be a clue.

[This message edited by Chaos at 8:27 PM, Friday, September 20th]

Ok. I see his viewpoint with the band differently than he does.

* having a conversation with band members so that they treat his alcoholism the same way as the other guy - with respect and concern and intervening if needed.

This statement, and your clarifications, implies to me that your WH is fully aware that the band and the environment on the road is not healthy or conducive to him being a sober, healthy, man who behaves with integrity and a good, faithful husband and father. Taking responsibility and accountability would be him acknowledging that how he handles that fact is solely his responsibility, not the band or his friends. He would quit the band.

And he needs special treatment because he's younger than his other band members? ugh. He is an adult. I'll introduce you to another southern US expression: "He's full of more shit than a Christmas turkey."

Why not separate and let him prove on his own that he can do this before you will take him back as an equally accountable husband and father?

[This message edited by KitchenDepth5551 at 9:27 PM, Friday, September 20th]