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My anxiety has been through the roof lately. Life has been very busy, I'm not sleeping well, and I just feel so incredibly anxious all the time.

We were having a good period and it's like my brain just went 'No stop, this person hurt you, remember?' I feel really on edge all the time. I previously said that my WS had given his notice in for the end of the year with his band but that's not the case. He's said he wants to find a replacement first. I said so if that takes a year or two or more, you'll stay with them until then and he said yes. The band continues to be my biggest trigger, getting worse over time, to the point that he can't talk to me about any of it anymore, apart from what I need to know like where he's going and when. I shut down if he tries to talk to me about the gigs or the band members,

The anxiety at the thought of this continuing for possibly years has been overwhelming. Everything else has been fine, he's been doing everything else and we were getting a long great and there was a sense of comfort again.

I'm having bad dreams, I mostly can't remember them when I wake up, but I wake up scared. Many nights, my partner has had to nudge me awake because I'm calling out in my sleep or twitching. One night I woke up already sitting up and he was reassuring me I was dreaming and telling me to calm down. Even though I can't remember the dreams, I wake up feeling uneasy and exhausted, like I haven't even slept.

My self esteem is at an all time low. Not so much looks wise, I'm mostly fine with how I look, but socially. I think I've said before I'm not very confident and I get social anxiety and always feel like I say the wrong things, talk too much, don't talk enough, etc. I replay conversations in my head constantly and feel stupid about social interactions I've had.

Yesterday I bumped into my WS and my son while on a work errand with a colleague. I didn't even introduce the colleague and my partner, ignored them both and spoke to my kid. It played on my mind all day and my partner told me when I got home that he was upset by the interaction, and felt like I'd completely blanked him. I think I didn't know how to introduce him, especially in front of my kid who still thinks we're separated and he's just living with us until he finds a place of his own (didn't want to keep going back and forth and confusing them). My brain just went blank so I didn't introduce them at all. My partner has accepted my apology but I can't stop thinking about it. I feel bad that I ignored him like that and also feel like I made myself look bad in front of my colleague by being so rude. I don't know whether to also bring this up with the colleague or just ignore it and hope I forget about it eventually.

I keep reading tips on how to deal with all these things, but feel like I don't have the time or energy to put anything into practise. I'm in survival mode again, just get through the day, one day at a time.

This is a messy post sorry, I just feel like I needed to get it all out somewhere.

ETA - I have decided to try R, mainly because I can’t handle the thought of being away from my kids 50% of the time, but also because when things are good, they’re good. There is still love there and I don’t want to separate right now.

[This message edited by user4578 at 1:34 PM, Tuesday, October 29th]

Are you in IC or thought about asking your doctor for some meds? With the nightmares, you could have PTSD or Post-Infidelity Stress Disorder (PISD). PISD isn't in the diagnosis manual, but PTSD is. Look online for infidelity-related PTSD and you'll find lots of information.

I'm sorry that he's putting his own selfish wants in front of your needs.

I'm so sorry it really is such a trauma. When I read what you are going through, it brings me back to my own anxiety induced time. Really no WS is owed a second chance or R. Makes me so angry that a BS has to go through this. I totally get not wanting to split the kids 50/50. It is why I stayed in limbo until they were old enough and I had finally had enough and I left.

I'm sorry that he's putting his own selfish wants in front of your needs.

Agree with Leafields I don't think he really "gets" what you are going through and is still thinking of the band above all else.

I would ask to be put on an anti-anxiety med and anti-depressant if you are not already. There are other techniques that help like tapping and CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy).

Also read the book "The Body Keeps the Score." It goes into why you feel this way after trauma.

I can relate to the anxiety (see user name lol), but not to the triggers, as we separated the day he told me and we have since divorced.

@leafields has hit the nail on the head. I now have a PTSD diagnosis related to infidelity. I experience hypervigilance as a symptom and that might be what's going on with you. As CBS's excellent recommendation of the Body Keeps the Score states, many of the functions of our brains and bodies are there to keep us safe in the 'oh crap' moments. Early humans used vigilance combined with pattern recognition (and a host of other things) to identify when the grasses blowing in the wind were just grasses and when there was a tiger. You can bet the people who encountered a tiger were hypervigilant with blowing grass in the future! Said another way, someone who was hit by lightning will be extra-cautious when dark clouds start to roll in, despite knowing the adage, "lightning never strikes twice."

When I most noticed anxiety stemming from PTSD was often, as you described, in a moment of relative calm. It's like I'd finally stop being so scared for a moment and as soon as my brain realized, it would say, "gotta step up the patrols, when you're calm is when they get you!" and I would go into full panic mode, even without a trigger.

I've definitely come a long way in a relatively short time and the things that helped are: IC, medication, and EMDR. It's taken all 3 for me to even start to get peace, but I'm a lot better than I was.

It played on my mind all day and my partner told me when I got home that he was upset by the interaction, and felt like I'd completely blanked him.

I can't help but see the juxtaposition of you feeling bad about not introducing him with his refusal to quit the band. You care, you worry, you apologize. Does he worry that he's hurting you? That he might lose you? He's not prioritizing his relationship with you. Are you alright with playing second fiddle to the band?

Seems like the band finding a replacement for him is a THEM problem and not a HIM problem. He obviously doesn't want to quit or he just would. My bet is that he's hoping you'll settle down and leave him alone about it if he stalls long enough. And if he's sticking with it because he doesn't want to leave them high and dry? Ooooh boy. Any way you frame his reluctance to quit, it's not good.

I have been in IC for a couple of months and found it useful at first but now not so much. I expected the counsellor to have more input, but she mainly acts as a sounding board, which is helpful to a point, but I was hoping for more advice on how to deal with everything, which I’ve not been getting. I’ve tried anti depressants before and the side effects were so bad I had to call in sick to work so I’ve avoided them ever since.

Crazyblindsided - thank you for the book recommendation.

Ballofanxiety - sorry you’ve experienced that. I think hypervigilance is something I’ve experienced for years due to previous events unrelated to infidelity, but if I’m honest, I think I always knew this would happen one day, always felt like his boundaries were blurred. I wish I could not care anymore, but the more I try to not care, the worse it gets.

ScaredSoul - there is definitely an imbalance in how much I concern myself with his feelings and how much he concerns himself with mine. Our relationship has always been this way. I think I worded some of my post wrong, he’s not leaving this band until he finds a replacement band for himself, one based in the UK with less time away. I agree with you completely though - he doesn’t want to leave the band and I don’t think he ever will. I think anything that comes up will never be ‘quite right’ and he’ll delay it until he actually wants to leave this band himself. And yes, that makes me feel like shit and it makes me resent him massively because I will always put our family first and if I think something will upset him, I won’t do it, and I don’t get that same treatment.

Like I’ve said though, I can’t have my kids not be with me 50% of the time unless absolutely necessary, like if us staying together would do more damage to them than us being apart. So far, that’s not the case. I guess I need to learn to just live with this all for now? My eldest is 13, youngest is 9.

I’ve been trying to convince myself I can and will leave if he doesn’t do this and that, but I know I won’t. I think if he cheated at all in any way again, I would, but I think I’ll deal with everything else for now.

The parts of that I’m struggling to deal with are that I’m mad at myself for making that decision and not sticking up for myself, the unfairness of it all and the resentment that comes with that, and trying to distance myself a little and not be so codependent on him or worry about every little thing that might upset him. Also the anxiety that this will happen again and I might be just delaying the inevitable.

It’s a very horrible situation and I’m incredibly sad that he’s put this on me. As much as he says he understands and gets it, I don’t think he does at all.

HI there! I'm a band wife too and I call utter bullshit on this. He wants out - he gives notice and leaves on the date he stated in his notice. Simple as that. Happens all the time. Trust me - the show will go on without him - and IMHO that's his biggest problem/fear. That one musician is just as good as another and he really isn't all that special.

So he's broken yet another promise. And...if he knows this is a huge trigger for you and continues to have complete and utter disregard - he's telling you something and it good.

As much as he says he understands and gets it, I don’t think he does at all.

You have summed it up quite nicely here. He doesn't get it - and he doesn't want to get it.

Chaos - His biggest fear is not gigging, hence the need for a replacement before quitting. I do believe however that nothing will seem as good as he has it now and that will be more important to him than how I feel about it. I’m not naive here, I’m well aware of the situation and that music in general, whether this band or another, comes before me. I’m not battling anyone on that, that is the truth and I do see it, I’m not trying to make any excuses for him there.

But just like that’s the most important thing to him, being with the kids is the most important thing to me right now. I have this horrible sense of time passing too quickly and feeling like I’m missing out on things in the craziness of life and work atm, I don’t want to be away from them in the last few years I have before they become adults. Obviously there’s a line there, if his general behaviour within the band became unbearable (which right now it’s not, strict boundaries have been set by him and he’s following them) or if he cheated again or anything extreme, then obviously I would have to make a different choice. I just want to learn to be okay with the one I’ve made right now, and try to make the most of it.

I expected the counsellor to have more input, but she mainly acts as a sounding board, which is helpful to a point, but I was hoping for more advice on how to deal with everything, which I’ve not been getting.

I'd suggest looking for a trauma informed counselor. Mine has been absolutely invaluable!

I know this, for me, anxiety is helped by seeking God in prayer and praying through the Psalms. God truly is personal and helps...we just have to go to Him.

It is OK what you are feeling. Be patient with yourself.

There are two things that may be simultaneously causing higher anxiety.

As others state, there is the general PTSD that can occur even if your reconciliation is going perfectly. I know I had a hard time acknowledging that for so long as the term sounded too extreme. The Body Keeps Score is an excellent resource. There are activities that you can do without a therapist. The author and others also have YouTube lectures and info.

The second thing is that your WH just went back on a promise. That would have me on alert and watching to see how serious he is about reconciling and changing. Imagine your child was failing a class, and you sat down and had a long talk and developed a plan of action. He tells you he will study every day at a particular time for 30 minutes. You come home one day a week later and see him playing basketball during study time. Then he says he changed his mind and only needs to study 2x a week instead. I would feel anxious and start watching his grades and behavior more closely.

So I guess I'm saying there's a general anxiety and specific anxiety based on the situation. I would treat them differently. You've been given suggestions for the first. For the second, I would prepare mentally and physically for the possibility that reconciliation fails.

This is an aside, but have you spoken to anyone about your legal rights in a divorce? It doesn't make sense to me that you would only have the children for 50% of the time. Your WH travels frequently for his hobby. How can he keep children 50% of the time? I can't imagine a court would make you develop a childcare schedule that works around WH and his band.

I expected the counsellor to have more input....

My suggestion is to ask your C about it.

No therapist can tell you what to do. They can help you decide what you will do and support you while you do it. They can suggest a course of action. But it's your life and your decision.

I’ve been trying to convince myself I can and will leave if he doesn’t do this and that, but I know I won’t. I think if he cheated at all in any way again, I would, but I think I’ll deal with everything else for now.

I totally get that. You're allowed to decide what's best for you, and to change your mind about what's best for you if you figure out that you might have gone a wee bit too hard with the original boundary. Sticking to that boundary at your own expense could end up being more of a self-betrayal than redrawing the lines in the sand in your own best interest. You have to examine that from both ends and decide which one sits right with you. And only you can decide. A good IC will guide you on how to figure that out, but they'll never tell you what to do.

KitchenDepth, I think you're right and the band thing has heightened my anxiety, which was already bad anyway in general from everything that's been going on.
We're not actually married, we've been together 17 years but never married. He's generally away 1-3 nights a week, meaning he could have the kids the rest of the week. The longer trips are much less frequent, maybe 4-6 a year. Next year they only have three of those booked so far and one is still unconfirmed, though I'm sure there will be more added if possible. He would want 50% custody, as he did when we separated previously, and the kids would also want that. I wouldn't want to punish any of them because of how I feel, anything other than 50/50 would seem unfair on everybody else.

I think I will look for a different therapist who specialises in trauma/betrayal. It's not so much that I want them to tell me what to do as I know they can't do that. I was just hoping for more advice on how to handle my emotions, manage my thoughts, try to make the best out of the decision I've made, that kind of thing.

My second therapist was a betrayal trauma specialist and was so helpful.

Also, ask about your treatment plan. It's like a road map. You're at Point A and want to get to Point B. What landmarks should you meet along the way? You should plan that out and how you plan to get there. You can adjust as you go along. Another person told me a treatment plan is like a battle plan. What strategies are you going to use so that you win?

Give yourself grace at this time. I could barely function the first year after dday.

We often say to watch the WS actions and don't listen to their words. What are his actions showing you?

That’s a good way to look at it and honestly, more of what I was expecting from IC.

I try to give myself grace, I am incredibly impatient and often get easily frustrated that I’m having to deal with this at all because I am so considerate when it comes to causing any type of jealousy or discomfort in my partner. It doesn’t feel fair that I have years of pain to work through from this.

In regards to his actions, aside from desperately not wanting to give up his band, his actions have improved drastically over the last month or so. He’s completely changed his behaviour while away, and he’s done that himself after I gave up trying to dictate and tell him what to do. He went through an ‘I can do what I want and just because I did this doesn’t mean you can tell me what to do’ moment, and ended up acting very inconsiderately and feeling awful about himself, so the boundaries now are ones he’s put in place himself (that fall in line with what I wanted and was telling him I needed anyway), and so far, he’s sticking to all that. His behaviour at home is also different and it feels like myself and the kids are more of a priority, and it feels like he’s doing all that because he wants to, not because I’ve told him to. If all of that continues, the band may just be something that I need to ride out and he will eventually get tired of and find something else anyway. I think I’m feeling more anxious because he’s started a new job again and with the band, that means he’s working six/seven days a week. I’ve gone from having the slight comfort of him being around most of the week (gigs are slowing down coming up to a big break at the end of the year), to having him gone almost all of the time. I think that’s making me anxious. I think I was relying on his presence, like if I can see him, I know he’s not doing anything bad.