SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Maybe I’m a sucker for pain, but I was scrolling through our messages around D-day and the few months we were separated but were messaging and I was hysterical bonding so we often had sex still….and I came across a screen shot he sent of a text when he was living back with his folks and he said (referring to me) ‘she wants me back at the house later but don’t lock up as unsure if I’ll be staying there or not’.

SHE WANTS ME AT THE HOUSE?!!! Not anything like ‘I’m going to spend more time at home with her to save my relationship I’ll let you know what the plans are’ but that I wanted him round like he was forced into reconciling!?

I know I’m most probably being overly dramatic here but this seems a bit like he was unbothered. And looking back at that time I was definitely being pathetic and doing the pick me dance. I’m so disgusted now we that we don’t have any intimacy.

Unfortunately same year, same shit I still have no courage to speak up about our problems to either leave, or to move forward together in a healthy way (ie show more love and affection/ be more intentional with life plans and start taking action/ be more excited about life and activities together).

I hate what’s become of me.

[This message edited by LittleRedRobin23 at 7:15 AM, Friday, January 10th]

Gosh, I go back to messages and get so angry too sometimes. I have to stop myself because I can spiral so easily and stay there for way too long. Honestly so much of what you said I feel and I’m also really having a hard time with the lack of intamacy between us. It’s hurts a lot.

I have no insight to help you. I’m in the same place. My wh had a 3 yr lta.

Sending you love. Will read for insight from others who come along.

How can you move forward in feeling confident to express yourself?

During the first half of his affair I was so afraid of losing my CH I allowed things to happen that were wrong. I let him call the shots.

I was an idiot!

Second half I was in a better position to stand up for myself. Dday2 I was a completely different person and had the guts to stand up to him.

Game changer.

How can we help you to become more confident and able to voice your feelings and thoughts?

Unfortunately same year, same shit I still have no courage to speak up about our problems to either leave, or to move forward together in a healthy way

I can so relate to the lack of courage. I both deeply feared upsetting my STBXW (from years of her stonewalling me anytime she would get upset) and then post betrayal, I just lost all my confidence and swagger. The cowardly Lion was my spirit animal.

I got challenged a lot here at SI about that, and rightfully (and helpfully) so. I was often reminded that open communication and courageously saying the hard things was necessary. First and foremost, for my own personal well being and healing. And second (and of far less importance) it was the only chance for a healthy new marriage to come out of the ashes.

Please remember, good woman, you are deeply wounded as a person, and that is 1,000 times more urgent and important than the marriage problems. Focus first on healing personally. The marriage may or may not survive. But you personally, you must survive. You must thrive no matter what, and that needs to be your focus.

If the idea that the marriage may not survive is terrifying to you (and it was to me), that is something to work on in IC and in your own heart and mind. You will need to come to peace with that, regardless of whether you end up R or D.