Hi everyone, I am new here. Sorry for the long message, I just need to get some things off my chest and get some advice.
I have been with my boyfriend for 4.5 years, and over the last 6 months we have been struggling with communication and trust. I just found out he has been seeing women off dating sites and sleeping with at least one. I don't know how many or for how long because every time I confronted him about texts, suspicious behavior, etc. he always denied and gaslit me. He'd turn it on me that I was the one breaking HIS trust by looking through his phone, even though I found intimate texts between him and other women. I even caught him at a girls house in December and he excused it saying he had ended it when I confronted him about having nudes/texts on his phone with another woman but she didn't want to accept it and what I caught was him officially ending it with her- This was actually confirmed that he did end it with her on this date. But there is another girl as well, I once again saw messages pop up on his phone like "miss you" and kissing emojis, etc in passing glances.
Well recently I had enough and actually reached out to a girl who confirmed they'd been dating since last October and were definitely sleeping together without protection. I am heartbroken, confronted him and he immediately broke up with me saying we were beyond repair because I wouldn't stop looking for problems. We bought a house "together" a year ago, the house is in his name due to loan/ qualifying logistics but throughout the whole process he always said is was "we" and "ours." I gave him money for closing/ down payment in the "gift" manner so I signed away legal rights to ownership with it. We also have a dog and cat together. We are also legal domestic partners, on each other's medical insurances, authorized users on credit card, etc. I include all this because it is impossible to just separate immediately. After I confronted him I spent the night in a hotel after he kicked me out of the house threatening to call the cops if I didn't leave. He even followed me around while I packed a bag shouting that I "could've had it all if I just stopped looking when he told me to" (referring to when I found messages months ago). I haven't initiated any contact since, but that night he called/ texted for various minuscule things, ie: did I feed the dog.... I left at 8pm and the dog eats at 5 pm/ there was food in the bowl when I left he had no reason to ask other than as an excuse, etc. well he had a scheduled work trip the next day and asked to talk about logistics before he left. When I returned the next morning, he actually and finally admitted to sleeping with the girl and said he was unhappy in our relationship and was going through a really hard time over the last 6 months. Like I said, the last 6 months have been an absolute life rollercoaster and for many reasons I understand why he wasn't happy because I wasn't either, but I never cheated and he did.
We talked again a little later in the day, and this man does seem truly broken to me. He is a dismissive avoidant, and hits every criteria of rejecting vulnerability- all the way to feeling suffocated and I genuinely believe he has commitment issues because of it. I am an anxious preoccupied so I have my own issues to work through as well, I know that. He apologized for telling me to leave that night and said he felt really guilty and worried about me since he had no idea where or who I went to. He said logistically he knows I can't be gone by the time he comes back and said I could have a spare room/ bathroom/ office space in the meantime. I have moved all my belongings out of our shared spaces already and feel so stuck.
The last time we talked about it was before he left for his trip, he called and asked I thought what we had was ever going to work/ where things went wrong. It was a very honest but also very sentimental conversation. We basically decided when things started going bad was when we both failed to adjust our individual approaches and needs, which ended up with him unhealthily pulling away and my unhealthily trying to overcompensate and hold on. He asked if I thought we could work and I said the two people we are today can't, we both need individual professional help and maybe even couples help down the line if there's any chance at true happiness together, and he agreed. But I also said I was going to do the work regardless- meaning therapy and self work- and I told him I really hoped he would do the same because the spiral I watched him take over the last 6 months was devastating and concerning. He asked if we could keep talking and I said yes, he could text me because I know we are still keeping things quiet and can only really talk to each other about what's going on and what't next.
He has been texting and calling little things about his flight updates, hotel area, "just wanted to say hi." This level of check in/ communication is something I have been begging him for that he called "suffocating." I respond whenever he reaches out but never initiate as I am trying to give us space. I haven't heard anything from him today but he is still meeting my father for dinner as he is in the same city as my parents for work. We haven't actually told anyone in our lives that we broke up or what's going on, and his idea was to proceed this way with my dad to keep peace for us both. I sadly and desperately want him to return from this trip having hit his rock bottom and ready to do better both for himself and with us. I am heartbroken for the infidelity, but also feel like because I suspected it for so long the shock of the truth didn't hit me so hard. I actually felt relief talking to the other girl because all my instincts were right and all his gaslighting/ excuses were really BS. I don't know what to expect from him when he gets home or how to handle it going forward. Has anyone been in a similar situation? Is there any hope or is this beyond any form of self reflection and recovery?
