SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I’m in my second marriage, and we’ve been together 4 years now. This website was my lifeline during my first marriage where my ex just couldn’t stop cheating.

I found out last week that my current husband was messaging back and forth with a girl he grew up with. It started out very innocent at first, and then the suggestive texts. He told her she was hot, talked about what it would be like to have sex with her, spoke of a dream he supposedly had in detail. I was crushed. I never in a million years expected it from him. Ever. We were hugging in my kitchen when a text came through that said "can we stop at Victoria’s Secret tomorrow?" Apparently, he had plans to take her to the airport 2 hours away and to do lunch. Thank God that text came through and I saw it when I did, or who knows what would have happened.

I’m numb. Having been here before, I’m a roller coaster of emotions. Sometimes I think we can work through it. Sometimes I want him gone and far away. I just never dreamed this would be my life again. Devastated just doesn’t begin to describe it. I thought I could finally have a relationship with full trust. And to find out that’s not happening this time hurts.

He wants very much to stay together. And suffice to say, he’s promising to do whatever it takes to make that happen. He’s blaming the incident on heavily drinking (which he has been) due to child hood trauma, so I told him he needs therapy asap.

I’m not making any rash decisions just yet regarding the status of our relationship. When I say this is out of character for him, it really was. But I don’t want to be naive either. And I know I can walk away and be just fine. I’m not in the position with him where I feel stuck in being married. But what are some things he can be doing in the process to help start working on us and showing me that things can be fixed? I know it seems like a silly question, especially for someone who has been down this road before. But I’m numb and just not thinking straight.

He’s already agreed to give me his phone anytime I ask. We are on separate phone plans with separate companies- would it be best for me to join our plans together? Or maybe just ask for access to his log in info with Verizon? Any other suggestions?

First I am so sorry for you. To have to go through this again is just devastating.

You know all the things that you are facing now. Loss of trust, rebuilding your relationship with him, etc.

You also know that being on the same phone plan is not the answer. Cheaters can and will find a way to cheat if they want to cheat. Secret apps, burner phones, etc.

Do you want to give him a second chance? That is your call. However I think he needs to prove to you that the marriage (and you) come first. That means you are not leading him down the reconciliation path but you are letting go and seeing what he does on his own.

If he does nothing or very little, you need to decide if this is acceptable. If he moves mountains, then he’s proven that he’s all in and worth fighting for.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 8:32 AM, Sunday, January 26th]