SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am going through a strange situation and could use a sanity check. My husband (WH) had an affair 3 years ago. We got past it and he has been doing everything right. Fast forward to Dec 2025. He is 66 years old. Back in college, he dated a (different) woman for 1 year. AGES ago! She (67) lives across the country, is married, but she reaches out to him about once per year. I have seen their text messages over the past 12 years that we have been together, and it is always her reaching out. He never initiates contact. He is polite and, in some cases, has not responded. I am 99% sure there was more history there before me, but he won’t admit it. Since I came into his life, WH has never proactively reached out to her or seen her. I did see a message years ago from her expressing to WH that she never truly got over him, but she ultimately accepted that they are just friends. It was a sad, desperate message coming from a woman who as been married for 25+ years. He does not know that I know this. And quite frankly, I saw it and was not threatened, so never brought it up, as it was water under the bridge.

That said, she has recently reached out to him again last week. I was not going to say anything, it annoyed me, but he picked up on my bad mood and pressed me to tell him what was wrong. So I finally blew my top. He thought I was overreacting. I know he has zero interest in her, but I am upset that he does not see or support my perspective. Should I just let it go? Why am I so upset if it is nothing? He was defensive and said she is literally just an old college friend. He is understating their history, but I think he is understating it because it has no relevance to us. I am at the point that I want to reach out to her myself and tell her to f--- off. They are not doing anything ‘wrong’ so I am not sure why I am so upset.

I understand how that would be triggering, given what you have been through. In short, I would say that in light of infidelity occurring (albeit it with someone else), it is perfectly reasonable for you to request that she and your husband have no communication with each other. Your H should have no problem blocking this old friend, deleting phone number, etc. This woman lives far away and their relationship is ages ago, as you say. It shouldn't matter to him. I would say no explanation is even needed from him to her. Just block the number and delete the contact. No matter your husband's perspective on their relationship or what her intentions are, he should be willing to do this if you guys have successfully reconciled and recovered from the A.

Well. After being betrayed like you have, I can understand your skepticism and more especially about a woman again contacting him whom you know he was "involved with" way before he ever met you and for whatever reason he doesn't want to bring up with you. All that is what is fueling the reaction you had, I think.

Just saw Carpenter's post after I posted and I agree, your WH should be willing to accept what you need from him.

[This message edited by Superesse at 3:17 PM, Monday, December 15th]

The fact he did not shut her down and tell her to not contact him again once she professed that she still has feelings for him is a red flag. I do not think you are overreacting. An affair causes permanent changes in a relationship. There are things that you can no longer say or do in my opinion. There are jokes that can never again be made

A permanent change that happened in our relationship is that my wife no longer attends mixed social events without me. If by chance she is out with a female co-worker or coworkers and male coworkers show up she either leaves or asks me to join them. Now, I am not naive, I understand she could not tell me and keep it to herself but she understands that if that happens and I find out I file for divorce

I think it's perfectly reasonable for you to tell him to send her a message saying she is to no longer contact him for any reason and then he deletes her phone number and blocks it. If he challenges you on this that speaks volumes to me and not in a good way

An affair, the gift that keeps on giving :/