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Myself & h are trying to R very close to D day still and I was wondering should we ask before checking each other's phones or should we just do it?

[This message edited by Pollypocket88 at 11:54 AM, Sunday, February 1st]

I do not ask.

As a condition of my agreement to attempt reconciliation and forgiveness, one thing I absolutely demanded was full and complete access to all devices anytime I so desired.

His agreement was that to try to reestablish trust, he would give me free and complete access to all devices anytime I wanted.

I do not need permission to reassure myself that he isn’t cheating.

Which one of you is the cheater? The BP doesn't need to ask. They can look at anything any time they want. The same rules don't apply to the CP. The CP does not get the same considerations as the BP.

Myself & h are trying to R very close to D day still and I was wondering should we ask before checking each other's phones or should we just do it?

Who is the BS and who is the WS? Have you both cheated each other?

The person who lost the trust is the one who should agree to full transparency, that is if they are wanting to R with their BS (and the BS gives that chance to the WS).

Is not a rule out of a book, is common sense, if you betrayed me and want to redeem yourself, show me you are open to do ANYTHING to regain the lost trust.

Because betrayal kills trust, forever if there is no a long process of slowly regaining it.

Polly,

BackfromtheStorm wrote:

The person who lost the trust is the one who should agree to full transparency, that is if they are wanting to R with their BS (and the BS gives that chance to the WS).

Is not a rule out of a book, is common sense, if you betrayed me and want to redeem yourself, show me you are open to do ANYTHING to regain the lost trust.

Common sense indeed. This is very well put, and I agree. There's no "rule" about it, but if the WS (wayward spouse) is sincere about wanting to R, then they should voluntarily give the BS (betrayed spouse) unfettered access to all of their devices. It's not about any kind of punishment from the BS. It's about demonstrating transparency and rebuilding trust. If the WS has nothing to hide, then they shouldn't be hiding anything.

I understand people valuing their privacy. When you cheat on someone you kind of forfeit that privilege if you want to R. But really, in a committed, honest, transparent, and loving relationship a person shouldn't really be saying anything to others that they wouldn't say in front of their loved one anyway. I mean, I get venting sometimes, but I'm intentionally careful to not say anything to anyone that would be so bad I'd need to hide or delete it. I don't say things about my wife that I couldn't at least explain or hope that she'd understand.

I'm the BS in our situation. I know all of my wife's passcodes and can check her devices anytime I want. In return she knows all of mine. I have nothing to hide. As a result of that, I rarely ever look at her stuff, and she never checks mine. Just knowing I could is almost enough for me. It's a great way to show sincerity, transparency, and commitment to a BS.

If a WS is being overly protective about their privacy, won't share their conversations, or even worse, delete conversations that's generally seen as a huge red flag.

Thank you for your responses I am the WS im just trying to see how we navigate this as its first time for both been together 18 years.
I dont even recognise myself over the last 12 months.
We can go to bed having a cuddle and I will wake up with h asking questions about my phone (not related to A) and it just knocks me and confuses me.
I just want to make things right I am in therapy also working on myself just want to be the best version of myself for our family thanks p x

But really, in a committed, honest, transparent, and loving relationship a person shouldn't really be saying anything to others that they wouldn't say in front of their loved one anyway.

This is actually what is normal for me.

My partner always had all passwords and access to every device of mine, and I have hers.

Only thing about trust: I never checked those, she sometimes checked mine.
Should have smelled something

My partner always had all passwords and access to every device of mine, and I have hers.

This was us. Neither one of us checked the others. The only reason I put passwords on my devices was to keep my little kids from messing them up. Otherwise, I wouldn't. Although, I think now everything requires PINs and passwords.

My H cheated when he was away from the family for work. Obviously, I didn't have access to his things then. I discovered it when I checked a text message for him while he was driving. Our oldest was getting married and I thought it might be a message about the wedding. It was a message from the OW asking how my H was doing emotionally. After that, I checked all of his accounts often.

I don't check anymore. For one thing, idc anymore. For another, if he's going to cheat again, he's going to cheat again. I can't stop him. I'll find out eventually.

People in a committed relationship should not have secret passwords. If someone has to hide something from the other then what type of relationship do you honestly have?

I always had access to my wife's phone but she was smart/deceitful enough to erase her sexting with her co-worker just before she left work each day just in case I happened to look at her phone but what she failed to realize is her phone was synced to her tablet and I checked her tablet in the middle of the day and that's how I found out

As the WS you should have zero problems with him checking your phone your email your messaging apps, everything, at any time for a very long time.

In the beginning of R I was obsessed with checking her phone and tablet. I was driving myself nuts and I never found anything and eventually I just accepted the fact that if she's going to cheat she will find a way and this time she will have learned to be better at it and there's not a darn thing I can do about it so I just stopped driving myself nuts about it

WB1340 thank you for your response im glad you gave the insight from the BS POV too (being obsessed) having been there yourself

Infidelity is very traumatic. PTSD symptoms are common. He's going to be on an emotional roller coaster for quite a while. Most people underestimate the damage it does. I know I did until it was thrust into my lap. The general rule of thumb is 2 to 5 years to recover from it, and true reconciliation can be a lifetime of work in progress.

That's not to say it will be forever miserable, but the scar never truly goes away, and trust might never be fully restored. My wife is earning a level of trust back from me, but blind, unconditional type of trust is likely forever gone. Going forward it's a "trust but verify" policy from now on.

What do you mean "each other's phones"?

Complete electronic transparency is for WS to rebuild trust. It is not necessary and arguably detrimental to the BS soon after DDay. How are you supposed to get emotional support, vent, talk to a lawyer, etc. with WS looking at your phone?

This0is0Fine
I / we were kind of hoping for reconciliation rather than divorce thats why I came looking for others thought on this is hope wrre not at a point any of us want to talk to lawyers🙏

Does it bother you that he searches your phone?

Unhinged

No it doesn't bother me he goes through my phone it just catches me off guard when I wake up and the first thing he does is ask me a question and it kind of sets the tone for the day ☹️

( I will go for a bath and leave it in the kitchen on charge im not holding onto it for dear life)

[This message edited by Pollypocket88 at 5:32 AM, Tuesday, February 3rd]

Thank you for your responses I am the WS im just trying to see how we navigate this as its first time for both been together 18 years.
I dont even recognise myself over the last 12 months.

This is normal, WS usually have unresolved issues (low self worth, people pleasing, need for external validation etc) that they might have buried so deep they are not even aware of themselves.

That's why they end up cheating.

You are not a monster, especially if you feel remorse for what happened, you are a person with (heavy) character flaws and attachment issues.

Working on yourself will help you because those flaws can be resolved, you can change and become a better person, but only if you want it, no one else can do the work for your own healing.

This0is0Fine
I / we were kind of hoping for reconciliation rather than divorce thats why I came looking for others thought on this is hope wrre not at a point any of us want to talk to lawyers🙏

Polly, understand this:

- Your betrayal happened, you can regret it. You can heal yourself for such thing to never happen again. But you cannot reverse time. It cannot be undone.
- Your husband was betrayed, this also can never be undone. He is hurt in a way you will likely never fully understand (unless you will be cheated upon). He'd likely would prefer you had shot him to kill him than what you've done. He will not die for it, but is a wound of the soul, one of the deepest wounds a human can experience, often worse than the loss of relatives.

I understand you would like to Reconcile and get over it. While R is possible, you will never fully get over it. You are the WS so is your instinct to hope this black spot goes away asap. For the BS it never fully does.

R is hard work. First you both need to heal. You heal yourself. Your BS heals himself.
Then you will have to see if you can start over to rebuild something new over the ashes of your marriage.

You must understand that your marriage, your past relationship, your plans for the future are dead.
Betrayal kills the past, the present and the future.

The only true way to let it behind and forget about is, is for the BS to leave the WS and erase them from their life and memories. The BS can truly heal in this way. You paid your cheating with a piece of your soul, you will likely bring this to your grave, since you seem to have a conscience (you don't seem the dissociated narcissist type, your conscience and regret will always bite you when you are alone in silence).

Why some BS want to reconcile? Because, in part is betrayal trauma effects, in part is love, and most important, in part we can see the WS regret and shame (but until this transforms into guilt, is not yet fertile ground for any real R. Shame =/= guilt. One is selfish, the other is empathy).

You may not be at the point to talk to lawyers now. You may R well and never have to face a divorce.
Just so you know, if you R your husband will still live the rest of his life with intrusive thoughts and flashbacks of you and your AP, and it will be a life sentence torture for a crime he did not commit.
You will live the rest of your M knowing that at any point in time your Husband may decide he can't do it anymore, and he will divorce you.

You took the risk and choose to kill the relationship. Now you want to rebuild it. Is ok, it is possible, but you will have to accept the above risks. It is never going back to how it was before.

The most important lesson you can learn from this, is to heal yourself and become the version of yourself you were always meant to be. I am sure you are not fond of being the WP.

I wish both of you well.

Backfromthestorm

Thank you for this indepth overview

I dont feel like im trying to rush over this blackspot ASAP im just hoping to try and navigate it in a more healthy positive way I know there will be deep hurtful conversations and noise surrounding us both im just trying to keep it grounded so that we have some sort of a foundation to build from...

I am currently in therapy working on myself I see an IC once a week i am also reading a book by Linda macdonald about helping your spouse heal and have made some positive changes at home for myself, my BS & The Children also, i am trying to right my wrongs not erase them but learn from them and grow... anymore help on helping us or even just me navigate would be greatly appreciated.

i am a people pleaser always have been even BS would tell you this and i try to see the positive and good in everyone and the last 12 months has been the hardest year by far for our family which effected not just the people i live with but also my biological family where at times we werent on talking terms or had very different opinions ( but this is not an excuse for what i have done) the only way I can describe it is i felt alone... I now know BS felt the exact same during this time too 😞

I believe our marriage will never be what it was before but I am hoping it can be better than before if that makes sense not now but in the future...

Our marriage is worth saving & I hope Bs feels this way too we both have a lot of love for each other and a deep connection even during this sh*t time

We are meant to be i feel and i hope bs does too

I have hope 🙏❤️

[This message edited by Pollypocket88 at 10:31 AM, Tuesday, February 3rd]

A relationship can never be the same after an affair. I believe there will forever be a small amount of distrust because the BS sees the WS in a totally different light. The BS believed the relationship was safe and secure but the WS has proven otherwise

Yes it can be better in some ways but the damage never really goes away

Why do you want to check his phone?

Inkhulk

No I dont want to check BS phone I have no need to... I was asking people's opinions