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While I hope that is the case he could really be missing the convenience of living in a place where everything is easy and done for him (laundry, meals etc).

It really is amazing what is on their minds while their marriages are literally falling apart at the seams. When I kicked my WH out, one of the first things he asked me was if he could come by and get meals out of the freezer every weekend and do his laundry while I was at work. I'm hysterically sobbing, and this is what he wants to know.

Been away for a while trying to process my thoughts and start my healing journey. I met with him today and we ended up talking for hours about everything. I got angry, sad, confused, we also had happy chats about our child. I kept making it very clear I was not there to make any decisions and also to lay out the possibility of separation which it appears he hadn't considered. He just kept saying he wanted to move back in to support me in my pregnancy and also try to work on things. He is looking for a new job and has enquired about counselling but apparently not heard back from it yet. He said he still fancies AP but doesn't want her anymore and only wants me. Said he hates himself and knows it will take a lot of work and time to rebuild. Also said he wants to be there for the birth. As he left he mentioned again about moving back in. I don't think I feel ready for that but I am feeling pressured.

Friend – I do think you both need a dose of reality. Maybe especially your husband.
I noticed you are from the UK, and you call him HUSBAND and not partner. Worth noting because a lot of posters from the UK are dealing with partners (as in not married). Marriage implies a contract – it’s not a very clear contract and not something you negotiated about before walking up the aisle (or to the registrar), but it is a contract that the attorneys will pull up for the process of terminating the marriage. That contract includes clauses on financial responsibility for the period you might be facing ahead. A partnership is looser and not as clearly defined.

Not stating you should or need to divorce.
But are you happy with what he’s offering you?

If I could choose, I would go for AP, but I can make do with you. I can learn to want you again (as opposed to fancying OW).
I’m looking for another job – but don’t really have anything to show for it.
I’m trying to get to therapy but waiting for responses (as opposed to having info).
I want to support you, but that is dependent on me being here (as opposed to simply paying his obligations)
I expected to be back here by now (as in you should rug-sweep this incident and just be happy he’s there).

Consult with someone local about your rights and what to expect. That could be an attorney, that could be legal aid, that could be a family-help hotline.

Your marriage has a chance once he realizes the wrong of his actions and shows through ACTION that he’s changing. Not while pretending to be looking for another job or that he might have contacted some therapist or whatever.

Bigger again had hit home with home very valid points.

1. He’s basically implied he’s "settling" for you.

2. He’s not actually doing anything to help make amends, repair the marriage or help you (or himself).

Why no counseling yet? Or even an appointment yet? 🚩🚩

3. He wants to come back home. You would think this is a step forward until you read between the lines. That’s a convenience for him under the cover of "supporting you". He can certainly show his intent and commitment in supporting you through his actions no matter where he lives.

His actions are minimal at this time. I could run down a list of things my H did in three weeks to start to make amends. And it was waaay more than what your H has done comparatively.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 2:45 PM, Thursday, April 9th]

Thank you both. I appreciate your comments. I also agree he's not doing enough but I think I keep feeling pressure from him and his family that I should let him back in to the house by now. I spoke to a lawyer yesterday so I feel a bit clearer now on my rights and options. They have suggested mediation as the first step before making any decisions on if he moves back in or whether we will rectify, separate or divorce. Yes I am UK and married. 1stwife do you mind me asking what things your husband did in those first few weeks?

Nobody "should " allow their abuser into their home for no matter what reason.

Make no mistake, you are the victim of one of the worst kind of abuse a human being can ever inflict upon another human being.

You "should " jacks hit.

You DESERVE space and time to recover from an intentionally inflicted trauma that shattered your entire sense of existence.

Past, present, future.

Period.

Your husband entitlement can fuck off, I spell it out clearly like I were your proxy, since you are such a kind hearted woman that you’re still worrying for others rather than tending to your own wounds.

You owe him nothing, he took everything from you and then some for just being an insecure moronic child.

While you carry your and his heir in your womb nonetheless.

It pisses me off enough that I would be glad to get to him and kicking his ass into shape, until he wakes up and crawls out to you to make amends.

He must find his balls back, and come back to you crawling over broken glass, realizing how stupid and immature and destructive his choices impacted 3 lives: yours, his, your child.

Then and only then, when he stops being a spoiled child, then you MAY consider if you are feeling willing to take the risk to give him a second chance, or if your trust is irremediably broken.

Nobody deserves this second chance, not after this, it’s not a minor fuckup, it was intentional abuse.

He is keeping you as the backup girl right now, he is not there at all.

No shame, no regret, just manipulation.

You and your child are what matters now. He made sure to position his value exactly to the level where his decisions placed him.

You are worthy to be chosen. You are enough. You are not replaceable.

Until he gets this into his thick skull, you should only care about yourself.

The bs heals the bs, the WS must heal the WS.

If he doesn’t recognize that he needs to heal himself before even starting to approach you, well you cannot heal him, do not allow him to prevent your healing, he already wounded you in the first place.

[This message edited by BackfromtheStorm at 10:57 AM, Friday, April 10th]

When I kicked my WH out, one of the first things he asked me was if he could come by and get meals out of the freezer every weekend and do his laundry while I was at work. I'm hysterically sobbing, and this is what he wants to know.

I completely understand this situation. It’s almost like the cheater has a "why are you upset and crying" attitude.

I remember less than 24 hours after Dday it was a holiday and we were invited to go to a party / bbq. I was in no shape to go and as I am sitting in the bedroom floor crying my eyes out, my CH literally stepped over me and walked out the door b/c he was not missing the party.

1stwife do you mind me asking what things your husband did in those first few weeks?

More than happy to share. Just for context, I had told him a day or 2 earlier that his continued cheating left me w/ no other alternative but to D him. I had no intention to R and was doing a very hard 180 until he left the house. When I told him he had to leave he refused. Do I picked up the phone in front of him and called a friend and asked if he could stay a few days until he found another place to live. And honestly I didn’t care at that point if he went to live with the OW.

Here are the things he did:

Deleted all of her contact info from his phone in front of me AND blocked her

When the OW sent a drunken 2 am email to him about a month after dday2 - he immediately showed it to me, blocked her and didn’t respond.

Made sure I had ALL of his passwords (he volunteered that info)

Total transparency and accountability as to where he was and time he was returning home

Willing to discuss his affair any time I needed to

Answered all of my questions about his affair (often more than once) and had consistent answers

He went to counseling (his own counselor) immediately and in his own

When I learned the OW had been in his car he immediately got rid of it (his idea not mine)

Hope this helps you.

Here I am again. It's been 3 months and he has been asking to move back in but I have continued to say no as I don't feel I am ready. He has told me he is trying to get a new job but nothing has come of it. He has had an assessment for counselling and his first session is booked. There has been some arguments (mainly down to his moods and one started by him because I'm not wearing my wedding ring). Then other times he is nice and pleasant with me asking about my day and pregnancy (I am now 25 weeks).

Anyway fast forward to tonight. I heard him on the phone outside the house. It was a female voice. I asked who it was and loe and behold it was the AP - the AP who he assured me he no longer had contact with! Again he has gone straight to playing victim saying I am not giving the marriage a chance by not letting him move in and if I let him then he will stop speaking to her.

I feel so stupid as he has fooled me yet again! I genuinely believed him when he said he was no longer talking to her so when he said her name tonight it took me a few seconds to even register it and felt like a punch to the stomach.

Tell her husband asap and see an attorney. Your husband is a cake eating douchebag.
You need to move on without him.
I’m so freaking sorry.

Wow your three month mark of finding out sounds exactly like mine. I had a feeling something was off and offcoarse he was still talking to her. I completely blocked his number, make all communication go through my sister for our daughter and refused to see him. Over the next 2 months he left voicemails making me think he stopped talking to her. But i maintained no contact until recently over some issue to with our 4yo. He’s been saying he wants to fix things and im questioning him, what has he done to prove that? Then i ask the question: have you even stopped communicating with her? And he admits he hasn’t. What a fucking joke. That might also happen to you over the next few weeks, please be cautious.

Thank you Starant for your words of caution. I'm sorry it happened to you too 😔. It's truly awful. I've had no contact from him at all since last night when he walked out. So thats the first time in which he hasn't even asked about our son (or our unborn baby). I honestly don't know what he's trying to achieve. All I can think is he is trying to push me into making the final cut on the relationship so he doesn't appear the bad guy (even though he clearly very much is!!)

He’s trying to have it both ways. An affair is an escape from reality, a dopamine hit and an ego boost. At a time when his life is falling apart, he’s needs something to make him feel better. Dont let him have it both ways. If he cares so much about his kids, then he shouldn’t have cheated and continue to cheat. Its not possible to love your child and ve actively destroying their stability and childhood. When he calls to ask about them, he is likely just trying to get in your good books and maintain some form of communication with you. Do the 180 thing everyone talks about and tell yourself you dont need a evil person in your life. None of this is your fault.

He’s again blaming YOU for his continued cheating.

Unacceptable.

You don’t need a third child - you need a capable adult. Right now he’s acting like a spoiled brat because he doesn’t get what he wants. Instead of bending over backwards to support you, he’s demanding to get his own way AND STILL CHEATING!

Read up on the hard 180 — and do not let him move back in until you have months of solid proof he is no longer cheating. And his word is not solid proof of anything.

His actions need to show you he’s not cheating. And you need to be able to believe that he is not still lying and cheating.

Smokey

In other words: Nothing has really changed since your post dated 9th April and the post from 28th May:
He’s still trying to get counseling, trying to change jobs, trying to move back home and still talking to OW.

I’m sorry Smokey. I get it that it’s a tough situation, but IMHO nothing will change until you force change. Go back to my first post on your thread on page 1. The change I suggest there – and is totally in line with what 1StWife suggests (and did in her own marriage) forces change.
What remains to be seen is if that change is in your husband, or if its totally on you.

Even more lies have now come out. He has been continuing to meet up, message and call her over the past 3 months. He couldn't tell me if he loved me so it is now over. I have told him I won't be anyone's plan B and won't be disrespected for a minute longer. I am seeing a solicitor this week to see what I need to do next.

I’m very sorry to read this. Please take care of yourself. Don’t let his betrayal rob you of the joy of your pregnancy. You are right to not be continually disrespected. It is crucial to always value yourself. You deserve a faithful partner who loves and cherishes you. Get all the support you can from your family and friends. Do not pain shop or worry about what your WH is doing. He is your past. Do let the AP’s OBS know of the continuing contact. Do see an attorney promptly and get the D process started. Take heart, you will get through this.

With you in spirit. You are not a plan B. His inaction is because he lacks humanity, empathy, integrity and capacity to change. Having AP requires nothing of him to change. She is as low as a human being as him. The affair isnt about you, its not because your not enough or a plan B, its about him filling his ego, getting validation and filling a void. thinking your a plan b will make you feel less, but its more so that he cant live up to what you deserve and he knows that. Eventually everything will catch up to him and that relationship will end too.

[This message edited by Starant at 5:22 AM, Monday, June 1st]