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D-day was the 24th May after I found messages on his phone. He trickle truthed but I truly believe I now know the extent of it although of course I’ll never know everything that was said between them. The key details are this.
5th March - group night out with work colleagues. She told him she thought he was attractive and he said the same back to her. On the train home together for 2 stops. They kissed goodbye when she got off.

Sometime after that she spoke to him at work and said it couldn’t happen again they were both married etc etc.

Flirty messages between them at work, nothing sexual, no arrangements to meet up just inside jokes etc.

7th May - group night out with work. During the night he would go outside and she would follow him to cuddle him and put her hand on his chest. She grabbed his hand when he came out of the toilet and kissed him, he kissed her back. They missed the train so shared a taxi which he paid for. They cuddled in the taxi and he fell asleep drunk. She woke him up at her stop and they kissed goodbye.

He spoke to her very briefly at work and said do we need to talk. She said no nothing happened let’s just leave it.

21st May. Another group night out. They stayed at the bar together after everyone else had left for about an hour but did not kiss. He walked to a different train station so he could get the train back with her. She got off the train before him and kissed each other goodbye. He stayed on to the end of the line and got a taxi home.

24th May. I found the messages.

I can verify through soooo much snooping that the above information is true. I concede there may have been more kissing than he’s telling me but they never had an opportunity to have sex even if they wanted to.

I don’t know if it’s relevant but he has cut all contact with the work colleague. He has moved location for the day he is in work, he has deleted all social media (although they never contacted each other that way) he has blocked her phone number. He has spoken to her to tell her that he no longer wants any contact, they cannot remain friends. From what I’ve read on here he is doing everything ‘right’ but I am still so angry.

My question is if my marriage is salvageable? Has anyone survived this? Truly truly survived?

We have two small children, 1 and 4. The idea of throwing away 16 years together, 8 married and tearing apart my family seems unfathomable… but so does staying.

Take care of yourself as you adjust to this new reality. Good resources on betrayal trauma in HelpingCouplesHeal podcasts. Unfortunately there are no great solutions (other than a Time Machine) but take care of yourself, regain some equilibrium before you make any big decisions.

What kind of family and friend support do you have? At their ages, your kids might be able to handle this crappy situation better than older ones since they’ll never have memories of holidays being spent all together in one place to compare to.

You’ve been given shocking information about your husband’s character BUT he seems to have immediately shown remorse, regret, and morality (though delayed).

BUT there are a lot of posts here about D-day 2 . . . and 3, etc.

Yes, you can survive this. Many have, even "worse." I put "worse" in quotes because every instance is devastating to the person experiencing it, no matter what activities were done.

My wife and her co worker got hotel rooms and spent the night together 3 times, for perspective. We're still together a little over year later, and despite me occasionally still crashing out (our 28th anniversary is in a few days) we're doing about as well as could be hoped for, but a year out is still fairly early days. The rule of thumb is that it takes 2 to 5 years to really recover from infidelity and reconciliation can be a lifetime work in progress. My wife, too, is doing all of the "right" things and that's been a key to our recovery. So many WS' take a lot of work to really "get it."

I think almost any couple can recover from almost anything provided both want it and both put in the effort. It does sound like your husband is doing a lot of the "right" things so far. It also sounds like you've done some sleuthing and determined you have the whole story, but as PCR alludes to, sometimes there are multiple d days and trickle truth is pretty common. I'm not saying that's necessarily the case with you. Just making you aware it's a possibility.

Welcome to the club that no one wants to join. You've found a good group of folks who understand what you're going through tho. Keep posting here and ask any questions or just vent if you need to. Just writing it out and getting feedback helped me a lot. You'll be on the emotional roller coaster for a while. Just know that's normal. Betrayal trauma is real trauma and PTSD symptoms are common.

Make sure you take care of yourself and you're getting enough to eat and sleep, tho I know that's easier said than done. Dealing with infidelity is bad enough when you're healthy, let alone compromised by lack of sleep and nutrition.

Welcome, so sorry you find yourself here. Yes, your marriage can survive, understand moving through this huge betrayal is a marathon, not a sprint. It will take years for you to trust him again, and his actions, not his words, are what matters.

My WH had an affair with co-worker who lived across the country.

After my D-Day, he cut her off, all communication even work related communication.

He no longer socialized with work colleagues. YEARS after healing, he did go to lunch/dinner with coworkers when there were no females attending.

Please insist he gives you access to his phone and emails and any other way he has to communicate, linkedin, etc.

Did you ask your husband if they ever met up during their lunch break? I ask because I would guess all of us here never received the full truth right after discovery.

Check out the Healing Library, some great articles.

Please don’t buy into the "throw away X years" mentality. Sometimes it is best to walk away than waste 5 years trying to reconcile with someone who refuses to stop lying and cheating. The mental toll that takes on a person is horrible.

I know b/c I saw someone try to reconcile with a serial cheater for 25 years. While the marriage ended the mental strain is something that still lingers.

I suggest that you each consider your own counselor to get through this phase. This is not the time for marriage counseling. Because you cannot fix a broken marriage with broken people.

Your cheating spouse needs to figure out what brought him to make a decision that cheating was a good idea. HINT: if he starts blaming YOU as the betrayed spouse, that is not a good sign.

You might want to figure out what you want out of the marriage going forward. Something (or many things need to change). Definitely communication needs improvement as the cheater will most likely say that was one of the reasons to cheat (it’s not but it’s often used as a justification to cheat).

There is a good book How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair by Linda Macdonald. You both should read it. It will give you insight about the reconciliation process.

Lastly you can survive this. And get to a place where you are both happy in the marriage. But it takes both of you putting in the effort to make the relationship work.

FWIW I survived two affairs and the second was a midlife crisis affair where my H planned to D me for the much younger OW. I was days away from filing for D and decided to give it 30 days to see if there was any chance to R. Luckily in those 30 days he made some changes and progressed to a place where I had some hope.

Keep posting here - you will get great advice.

Thank you so much to everyone who has replied. I can’t believe how moved I’ve been by receiving support and advice from strangers. I guess when your ‘safe’ person betrays you the kindness of strangers goes a long way.
It’s reassuring to hear from those of you who have made it through, even if I’m a long way from that myself.
Can I ask of those of you that stayed if you’re now happy with your relationship? I think my greatest fear is what another poster said of staying another 5 years only to regret it further down the line and when it would have an even bigger impact on my children.
I did ask if they’d ever had lunch together and he said they have never been to lunch together on their own. I think what’s happened (and I say think as I have time and time again read on here that there may still be more to it) that he has been caught in the very early stages of what would have become a more intense affair. They haven’t known each other that long which is why I don’t think it YET progressed outside of work.
Part of what sucks is never knowing how far this would have gone on if not confronted.

As others have stated then yes, a marriage can reconcile from infidelity. It’s a lot of work and requires immense sacrifices from BOTH parties. Plus – it needs to be entered into willingly and freely.
Like… the two kids are a great reason for wanting to try, as is the years of commitment. But both can be dealt with equally well with divorce. They might be a reason to WANT to reconcile, but should never be the REASON for reconciling.

I think the biggest mistake we make after d-day is offering the WS options. As if he has a choice and we don’t. Another big mistake is overdramatizing what’s going on. I think if you can bypass these two things then you will be fine. No matter how this goes.
To use a comparison: It’s like waking up to your house on fire. You can hide under the sheets and wish it wasn’t happening, you could run around in circles screaming your head off… Or… you could get everyone out, call 911, start saving valuables but ensuring everyone is safe. At the end of the day the damage to the home/marriage will be the same irrespective of your response, but by acting sensibly you got your kids out safe and maybe the family heirlooms and photos.

So you tell your husband that he’s totally free to go flirt and kiss OW, but not as your husband. That you are getting out of infidelity. He has a small opening of time to follow you but it’s totally his choice whether he does or not. What is 100% certain is that until YOU feel assure it’s over and that there is no more contact between OW and WH you are simply assuming he’s chosen her over you and YOU are moving on out of the marriage.

There is no real rush. I strongly suggest you get a realistic understanding of divorce and understand the path you need to go to get there, and then follow it at a pace you are comfortable with. If – for example – he was to tell you he wants the marriage and that he no longer talks to OW you can slow your pace, but don’t quit or stop the process until you are assured.

To answer your question I am one of the lucky ones who happily reconciled. But don’t be fooled into thinking the Reconciliation process wasn’t long and hard.

Things that changed:

My H is no longer my #1 priority (like he once was).

My H doesn’t have to agree with decisions I make - I’m no longer backing down. He just has to accept them.

My H changed and recognized the disrespect he showed me in our marriage by being openly flirty with women.

He recognized he needed to communicate better or the marriage was over. Big improvement over the years.

But more importantly I changed. I hold him accountable where as before the affair, I let too much slide. He no longer shows up late for anything - which is something he did all the time. Be home at 11 pm meant walking in the door at 2 am w/ no explanation or phone call etc. yup - that no longer is tolerated.

Obviously no one can predict the future. It would be a shame if you happily Reconciled and he cheated again years later. But (isn’t there always a but?! ) you should have an exit strategy just in case.

Money in your own name ( just in case); copies of all financial documents such as tax returns, retirement accounts, credit card statements, joint accounts, etc ( plus account passwords).

Plus a plan for you & kids — where to go and what you need to take w/ you if you leave the home.

I was that close to D - and very unprepared. Lucky I had 6 months to get my life together and plan for D (just in case). At dday2 of affair 2 I knew I had no other choice but to D him. He wouldn’t stop lying & cheating.

True R started the second I did the hard 180 and planned to D him. He quickly realized he no longer had control over any aspect of my life.

I hope this helps you recognize you cannot let the cheater control this. You need to protect yourself and let him know that Reconciliation is possible but only if he does the work AND some things change.

Welcome to the club that no one ever thought they would be a member of. You will always wonder if you know everything.

I strongly recommend you reach out to her husband and let him know what's going on. He has a right to know where he stands in his relationship. I waited 5 months before reaching out to the wife of my wife's AP and I regret every day I waited. It wasn't my place to decide what she gets to know about her relationship

The anger the sadness the loneliness Etc will be there for a long time. I demanded my wife start IC to figure out what was broken and or missing inside her that let her gamble a 27-year marriage. The fact is people cheat simply because they are selfish and they want to. They enjoy the dopamine hits they enjoy the attention. For my wife it made her feel like she still "had it" even though she was closing in on 50 years old

The mistake I made was demanding MC right away and in hindsight I wish I had waited several months till my head was clear and then decide whether or not I wanted to save the marriage

An affair causes permanent changes in a relationship. Reality is, an affair is a possibility from day one through every day of a relationship. No relationship is affair proof. Things are well between us but I will never ever again implicitly trust her. My ability to do so has been permanently destroyed and were I to find out she was messing around again I would just shrug and go about my day.

ETA: a permanent change that happened in our relationship is my wife no longer goes out with coworkers after work. I have never ever been okay with coworkers going out and drinking and socializing together, that is just a recipe for disaster because most affairs start at work.

If you want to make sure he is not around her you could make the demand that he finds another job. That is something I wanted to do but my wife's job provides the health insurance for the family so as a father of three boys I had to suck it up and deal with it and every morning when she left for work it was so hard because I knew they were both in the same building and of course my thoughts went to both of them figuring out a way to just be more discreet. I found out on a Thursday and 10:00 a.m. Monday morning I went to my wife's work, she works at a school. I walked into the office and asked the secretary to call down the police officer that works in the school, he was the AP. He walked in all smiles and whatnot and said how can I help you and I said is there somewhere we can talk

We walked out into the foyer and I said my name is and I am so-and-so's husband, I thought we should meet. The smile disappeared and he put his hand out and said I owe you an apology and I just waved him off and said I'm not here for an apology. It was about a 20 minute one-sided conversation and it wasn't anger and accusations because I was nothing but a shell of a man at that point, I was completely gutted

And I said what I said in hopes that it would give him pause and change his ways but turns out it was futile because after my wife he moved on to the social worker at the school. After chatting with his wife it turns out he has done this before and he will never change because she keeps taking him back

[This message edited by WB1340 at 4:58 PM, Tuesday, June 2nd]

Welcome to the club lady.

It sucks but we have cookies (sometimes).

You will get better.

The tactical primer is simple:

You have been deeply abused and this is one of the shittiest things a human can do to another human (that’s why the betrayer dehumanizes you).

The two things you need to do immediately to protect yourself and allow your nerve system to begin to process the blow enough to begin the path to heal from this trauma:

- put yourself first. Read the 180, is very important you understand. It’s a guide to set and hold your boundaries from further abuse from your abuser.
- speak out and allow your emotions to flow here. Don’t keep them in, they will destroy you. Right now you need to be heard more than you need to hear advice.

Here you will find people who understand what you’re going through and can help you navigate the hardest journey you will likely face in your life.

Nothing of this was ever your fault or you could have avoided. It’s all on your shitty partner.
It’s not you who is broken even if right now you’re bleeding 🩸

We are here for you anytime (cookies or not).

You have been heard

Recentlybs I am so sorry you are here especially with such young children - that early shock is horrible and the "staying feels impossible but leaving feels impossible too" part is something many of us understand.

The idea of throwing away 16 years together, 8 married and tearing apart my family seems unfathomable… but so does staying.

now this really captures the trap of early betrayal trauma so well as every option feels unbearable at first so please do not put pressure on yourself to know the whole future yet. Also I recognise some of the work colleague element and that horrible question of "what would have happened if I had not found out?"because that uncertainty can become its own wound.
It does sound positive that he has cut contact blocked her moved location for the day he is in work and is doing some of the things that show he understands contact has to end - but your anger still makes complete sense and by doing the "right" things after discovery does not undo the fact that he crossed lines and made you feel unsafe.

Part of what sucks is never knowing how far this would have gone on if not confronted.

It is such a painful question because you are not only dealing with what happened but also with what might have happened if you had not found out. I would perhaps say not to think of it as "throwing away" the years as you are not the person who put those years at risk and right now you are trying to work out what is safe, honest and liveable from here. You do not have to decide everything immediately - watch his actions over timelook after yourself and make sure your needs matter too.

This forum is so comforting and supportive.