SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It's been 12 weeks since I discovered my partner of over 10 years had been cheating on me. The other woman found me and messaged me; he had lied to her too, meeting her on a dating website 5 months prior and telling her he was single and looking for a long term relationship.

I was oblivious; we are middle aged and he was a kind, gentle man, we lived together and spent a lot of time together and had a fun life, I had no idea he would be capable of such deception, both to me and the other woman.

I confronted him, but I didn't disclose much about what the other woman had told me, and he denied, deflected, minimised and lied about the affair, stating I was getting it out of perspective.

He left the day after; I have reached out a couple of times to tell him my pain and upset and asking for an honest account from him, but when he tries to reflect, he stutters, deflects, changes the subject or tells a stupid lie about the other woman that makes no sense.

He had apologised for the deep hurt he has caused me but he just won't take accountability, or show remorse. He talks about the 5 months of deception, lies, and affair as a series of 'bad decisions', 'the situation', 'what's happened'. As if he physically cannot let a single word of admission leave his lips.

I am doing a lot of research into his behaviour, why he would behave in such a cruel way? I gave him opportunities whilst we were together to leave if he wasn't happy. I'd asked him not to cheat on me, to please talk to me first and to leave before embarking on a new relationship. I think this is one of the most painful things as he ignored that emotional heartfelt request.

Anyway, 12 weeks and I am still bursting into tears, all the time - hoping he will call, or email me to explain his actions. But he doesn't, he won't, and I am devastated.

[This message edited by Lavenderbag at 5:19 PM, Sunday, November 1st]

Lavenderbag,

I am so sorry you have become a member of the best club no one ever wanted to join.

Your WP’s behavior is not uncommon. Through his words and actions, he has shown you that he is not sorry that he cheated. At most, he’s simply sorry that he got caught. It doesn’t even sound like he’s asking for forgiveness or a second chance. If I’m right about that, then this sounds to me like an exit affair. And it brings me no joy to say this, but I have to wonder if it’s even his first infidelity.

I doubt he will be ever able to explain his actions in a satisfactory way. Signing up for a dating service is unambiguous. None of the usual "I wasn’t looking for it, it just happened." No, he specifically sought out a romantic partner. The very simple explanation is that he did it because he wanted to.

It sucks. I was left for someone else too. She told me that "we [meaning her and her AP] need to see if what they had was real." No apology.

How I got through it was to focus on myself. I hit the gym like a maniac and spent time with friends. I wish I had used a therapist. I didn’t see one until much later in life, and I regret not doing so sooner. They really help. Are you seeing anyone?

If you’re crying all the time, you may need to see a doctor to get anti-depressants. They might give you sleep aids as well, or anti-anxiety medication.

Don’t do this alone. Have you told the people close to you?

Closure is overrated. My own experience is that those conversations have left me feeling worse not better. He went on a dating site looking for a long-term relationship, left you once caught and is ghosting you. I suggest you consider telling him you would prefer to never see or hear from him again. Say goodbye to his family if you were close to them and don’t be afraid to say why you’ve split. And above all, focus on your own healing.

I’m so sorry that you’re suffering. Keep posting here, you will survive this, as so many of us have.

[This message edited by Letmebefrank at 2:39 AM, Monday, November 2nd]

There are spouses (men and women) who leave immediately and ghost the bs. I don’t remember the book title but it was written by a bs. These people usually have another life planned.

Please let go of him. See a therapist to help. As suggested, you might need some meds for anxiety and sleep

See a lawyer immediately. You need info.

You will find good folks on here. Use their experiences and knowledge.

I’m so sorry your partner has become a coward.

You deserve better than this. He could at least give you some closure which might help you to move on.

Maybe a professional therapist is in order.

I’m so sorry to hear about your experience, Lavendarbag. My WH is also someone that people would describe as the "good guy." Calm, kind, can make friends with anyone - so it shocked me deeply when he came home and admitted to me he had feelings for someone else.

D-day was October 1, so not much time has passed, but he does not seem interested in reconciliation at all. He left the night he told me about the affair to stay with a friend and is still there. He is unable to say the word divorce and instead says platitudes like "I want to move forward in kindness, and the kindest thing for me to do is let you go to start healing," and "I need to learn how to be alone." When I challenge him on this; his response is "i’m sorry if that’s not the right choice of words!"

I’m not suggesting you go and investigate, but through his friends and family (because yes, he did tell several other people about the affair before me), i’ve learned that there is/were a lot of things he was saying about our relationship behind my back. The OW also gave him an ultimatum: get your life together (aka; get rid of me), or I won’t wait for you.

Again, just like you, I gave him multiple outs. We were in couples therapy from Jan-July of this year, and he did not bring up any issue in our relationship that would make me think he was seeking an out. We had a breech of trust in May of this year, and the day after it happened I asked him "are you trying to get me to leave you?" and he said "no!"

I agree with letmebefrank, this sounds like an exit affair. It is so deeply painful and disorienting. He was planning a life without you behind your back - no explanation he provides will even be good enough because that’s simply not something a person with integrity does.

I see a therapist once a week, go on long walks and try to hang out with my friends as much as possible. I also started telling people what was going on with me - I had tried to hide it because I was embarrassed or wanted to protect my WH, but the more I openly talk, the more I realize how deeply fucked up what he did was.

Please keep talking to people here, so many of them have been a huge support to me. Lean on your support network and let them carry you. People want to show up for you.

Thanks all for replying.
-Its hard isn't it, to reconcile the person you thought you were in a relationship with, with this new, not very nice person, you are suddenly confronted with.
It's just so surreal how capable some people are at deception and to kind, caring people too.
-I'm not sure it was an exit affair, I can't be sure. There was no decline in affection and companionship, but he didn't have the guts to tell me what was going on, he waited till the shit the fan. I confronted him, he lied, and he left.
He doesn't have the other woman, or the comfort of a nice house, or the love and support of someone who adored him, but he hasn't made any effort either.
I have read about a certain character type; he never really showed much emotion, not a great deal of empathy, a bit of an unemotional rock tbh, but he was kind and giving and did lots of nice things for people. He was an intelligent man but said things that didn't always make sense to me, sometimes the logic was a bit off or he contradicted himself.
Anyway, apparently this is a thing, someone who can compartmentalise and then successfully lead a double life, the thrill of the secret and success of having cake and eating it. And then when it's discovered the shame is too much and he's become a coward, unable to face the truth. I think this is what I might be dealing with!

Letmebefrank - sorry to hear your account too but I'll take your advice about a therapist. I have been deliberately whether I need one or not but I don't want to have a regret when I guess it can only be helpful.

Stayg0lden - thanks for sharing, yes it is very early days for you. Some really helpful tips I've had which is good for this period of shock, is to just get through the day, that's all. One little thing at a time so that you get to the end of the day, and watch an episode of your favourite TV show. That's what I was concentrating on for the first 2 months and it really helped to have something to look forward to at the end of an exhausting day thinking about, Why did he do it...

Wife Abandonment Syndrome might be what he is doing. You are not alone. A wife has written a book about it.
If he wanted to come back he would.
Please take care of yourself.

One thing to keep in mind that can/might bring some comfort:

People can change with time. Both in positive and negative ways.
The fact he started an affair those months ago, with some build-up period previous to that, doesn’t mean he was a bad or faulty person for the plus nine years leading to that. The good years don’t become bad years. You are allowed to see him as "good" and a partner for that time. Doesn’t mean those years were wasted, except in the sense they didn’t lead to the future you expected.
Just like he changed for the worse, he could change for the better. But that’s totally dependent on him, and IMHO you shouldn’t be waiting in some hope he does. If he does, and if he wants this relationship, he will come back running and willing to do what is required.

As others have said, welcome to the club that no one thought they would ever be a member of

All of us can understand what you are feeling because we have been there. Were you to ask any of our family and friends if my wife could do what she did the resounding answer would have been hell no, you are crazy for even thinking it. Yet, here we are

When I confronted my wife she gave the typical responses. First was minimization, she told me that I was giving it far too much weight, it was no big deal. When that didn't work she switched to anger, she accused me of having secrets. At one point she said and what secrets do YOU have that I don't know about? To which I replied none, you know everything about me. You know my hopes dreams goals aspirations fears fantasies, everything

I was a stuttering train wreck and she just sat there with her arms crossed shooting daggers at me with her eyes. Never once did she show an ounce of remorse or regret. The best I got after an hour-long conversation was I am sorry this upset you, and she said it with empathy. She was mad that I discovered her fun little secret

The next morning she was still mad at me and when she came home from work that afternoon I said I need time to think, I cannot do that bumping into you, I will not spend all weekend staring at the ground. I cannot make you leave but I need you to leave, there is a suitcase upstairs, please leave

She stared at me for a few seconds, walked upstairs, pack the bag, walk downstairs and said something to our two older boys, walked into the kitchen and said I'm leaving, I said okay, and she walked out

When we met two days later to discuss the next steps which I assumed was divorce she was completely opposite. She looked like a train wreck, but we were far from being on the road to R.

For a while my wife referred to her Affair as the incident and I finally got fed up and said you can't even call it what it was

When I asked what did you think would happen if I found out her response for a few months was I never thought about it which hurt a lot. To me it meant she didn't care what the consequences may be. To me it meant if he finds out and we get divorced oh well, no big deal

Finally she was able to admit that she thought I would just get upset, be upset for a little while, get over it, life would go on, no harm no foul. Our relationship had gotten to the point where she took me for granted, she thought no matter what, I would always stay. But that Friday afternoon when she came home from work and I said I need you to leave the house, she began to realize that she may very well have destroyed our relationship

At what point she said placing blame doesn't help, we are both at fault to which I replied I did nothing wrong, this is 100% on you. You made the decision to do what you did. She said so over the years all the things you have done wrong, you don't think they play a part in this and I said no. If you were unhappy you could have left

Until my wife was able to take 100% accountability for what she did, our R was at a standstill.

We are 31 months out and our relationship is better. We had a big setback months back but we're still working through that

Until your husband is able to face you and take accountability the relationship cannot be fixed. The best you could hope for is rug sweeping which never works, eventually the problems reappear tenfold worse

Your best next step may be talking with an attorney just to see where you stand and letting your husband know that you're having that conversation. He might be hoping that eventually you'll just let it go and he doesn't have to face what he did. You letting him know that you have a consultation set up with an attorney may prompt him to face what he did

You have found a great place for advice and support

Thanks WD1340, our experiences are quite similar in parts.
I'm just so shocked at how common infidelity is - I felt like I was the unluckiest person feeling so rejected, and then you discover that there are people who have been betrayed so tragically, everywhere! It's so incredibly sad!
I hope you get through your journey, it does sound like its a tough one.
I don't think I'll get to progress anywhere with my one; from my research he is what they call an Avoidant and because of the affair, he uses manipulation and apparently this mix is all to protect the fragile ego and outwardly self image. He's not interested in repair and I cannot reach out to him yet again until I've healed a bit more.
If he wanted to reconcile he would have tried harder. All I've had is a message to say he will come over and cut the grass or do any other maintainance needed... Crazy!

For some reason, this morning, I’ve been thinking about adults who still have a very childlike outlook on life. Children don’t do well with making decisions because they don’t have the experience. That’s why they go from being OK to having a tantrum. Thinking things through from a rational standpoint is far in the future for most children. There is something, from childhood, that impedes certain adults, and you know that because of how they respond to stress, how they respond to criticism, have they respond to responsibilities.
What you have written sounds like he has tried to be an adult, but it just didn’t work for him. He might have affairs here and there, but I’m guessing he’s going be happier by himself because he will not have that many people expecting him to behave as a grown-up. He is like a 12 year-old he’s going to come to your house and mow your grass if he thinks about it. It’s hard work to try to be an adult if you still operate from a child’s brain.

Thanks Cooley2here, that's an interesting take on it actually... He is in fact a very intelligent man, however his many answers that I have managed to crowbar out of him are: 'I don't know why I did it' and 'I don't understand myself, why' and 'I didn't think about the consequences' and 'I didn't mean to hurt you'; are all things a child might say when caught stealing sweets from a sweatshop...
-It's so disappointing when the love of your life that you held in such high regard, suddenly loses the ability to behave like a grown man, and instead of acting like the responsible adult you thought he was, just turns into a spoilt little toe rag that needs to be grounded for a week so he learns his lesson.

I don’t know his job, but if he is around people all day, who talk about cheating that’s going to eventually break down any weak barriers he might have. It is pretty common knowledge that who you choose as friends have a profound impact on how you behave. Parents who know this and see their child pick a group of people they do not want them interacting with often move their child out of school into another one. If you have a lot of smokers in your environment, you might well up that habit. If you have a group of friends who like to meet for drinks 2/3 times a week at some point, if it’s a genetic issue, you might find yourself as an alcoholic. We do not have total free will even though we think we do.
There are so many ways to influence another human being. Sometimes it’s covert and sometimes it’s overt but it’s very much an issue. Childhood from birth to four is so important that without healthy parenting, and safety, that child cannot mature emotionally. They’re too busy trying to save their lives. Fear of abandonment is huge in small children and if they’ve got a parent who is clueless they’re going to be a child who’s very anxious when they’re grown. I have no idea what your husband‘s childhood looks like, but if it impeded his ability to mature as he grew up, that’s where he’s messed up. You say he’s very smart, believe it or not, that does not have much of influence on somebody’s inner child. Unless that inner child is in the past he’s going to react to everything as a child, even though he doesn’t recognize it. I think that’s where you’ve run into a brick wall because that is who and what he does in his life. Don’t know how it started, but I’m guessing there’s been some influence on him negatively.

'I don't know why I did it' and 'I don't understand myself, why' and 'I didn't think about the consequences' and 'I didn't mean to hurt you'....

OK. That's a starting point. To be a good candidate for R, IMO, a WS needs to be willing to change from cheater to good partner, and I urge you not to stick around unless he engages with a good therapist to get help making that change, beginning with becoming honest, which those comments aren't. Has your WS done that? Is he willing to?

[This message edited by SI Staff at 6:13 PM, Friday, November 6th]

I would urge you to sit them down and ask: Given your responses, why should I stay with you?

Why stay with someone who doesn't even understand how they could stab you in the back? Why stay with someone who willingly betrays you without a second thought for the impact on you, or without considering if their actions would destroy their partner?

I’d be fascinated to see how anyone could adequately answer that line of questioning.

Then, end it with this: What can you offer me now that I can't find elsewhere—from someone who will actually be loyal, won't stab me in the back, won't hurt me, and will always consider the consequences?
That is the exact conversation I’d advise. If those questions can't be adequately answered... do not settle for less.

I wouldn't wish a cheater on my worst enemy, why would you accept what you wouldn't wish on them.