SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Sorry you are here friend.

Please give the courtesy to the other Betrayed Spouse by informing her of this so she gets some agency in her life.

An added benefit, it will really help your wife to be shocked out of the fog, by helping her realize the real world consequences of her actions.

Please inform her.

A cardinal rule for reconciliation is no contact period. The limerence will continue otherwise. I recommend that you insist she gets a new job. This will test her resolve, will be an offering to boost your trust, and will be a hard consequence for her actions holding her accountable. Also, I recommend that you make it VERY clear that she informs you of any future contact, even if it’s not intentional. Also to make this very real, insist that she gets tested for std’s and that she provides you with the results. Be firm like a business partner, and at the same time, work on you to make yourself stronger.

Please give the courtesy to the other Betrayed Spouse by informing her of this so she gets some agency in her life.

I do battle with the "tell the OBS" advice. I understand it of course. But equally wonder whether the courtesy is to ensure the A is over from this side and spare her the pain and better chance at moving on. Especially for their son. I would feel selfish if the reason I was doing it was to help the WS realise the consequences of her actions and potentially force him to move jobs.

Does anyone have a view that telling the OBS is not always the best route? Just interested to hear.

Perhaps you wouldn't have wanted anyone to tell you.

Then at this exact moment you'd be blissfully unaware your wife was cheating on you.

Someone out there had taken the courtesy not to let you know..

I'm sure you wouldn't have minded.

Does anyone have a view that telling the OBS is not always the best route? Just interested to hear.

If you want this affair of your wife to continue, by all means DON’T tell the OBS. As you’ve been told here already, the supreme majority of married OM immediately dump their side piece when their wife finds out, and holds him accountable. The OBS also then starts watching OM like a hawk. The OM panics as he watches his wife threaten or even start D, and his family also holds him accountable. Queue the predictable "she was just sex, she chased me, she meant nothing", blah blah blah, and he goes fully NC, as he desperately tries to save 50%+ of his assets.

She would also be your partner in assuring this adultery never rekindles. But you wouldn’t want that, right? Just too awkward to have that convo with her, eh? And bedsides, you certainly wouldn’t want anyone who knew about your wife to have told you, right? You could have avoided all these bad feelings, living in ignorance, right?

I do battle with the "tell the OBS" advice. I understand it of course. But equally wonder whether the courtesy is to ensure the A is over from this side and spare her the pain and better chance at moving on. Especially for their son. I would feel selfish if the reason I was doing it was to help the WS realise the consequences of her actions and potentially force him to move jobs.

Does anyone have a view that telling the OBS is not always the best route? Just interested to hear.

Anything OTHER than telling OBS is selfish. "Spare her the pain" is really "keeping her in the dark". Her marriage is already suffering from the affair and she doesn’t even know why. YOU wouldn’t be the one causing her pain. That’s her husband and your wife! Right now, you are a co-conspirator in keeping her from knowing the truth of her life.

People knew my wife was cheating on me 40 years ago and didn’t tell me. Did they "spare me the pain"? No, quite the opposite. I made many life altering decisions (having another baby, moving states to change jobs, building a new home) I wouldn’t have made had I known the truth of my life. Those people who knew and didn’t tell me betrayed me too. They are complicit in aiding my wife in stealing my life from me.

Now, there could be reasons to DELAY telling OBS if you planned to divorce your wife and wanted to ensure she remains gainfully employed until the divorce is final. But you say you want her to leave her job. It would be selfish, but telling OBS could facilitate that outcome.

The moral and right thing is to tell OBS.

The reason to tell OBS is that it's important for the OBS to have the information so they can regain their ability to make informed choices.

*****

I would not use exposure as a way of stopping an A unless I was set on D. If R is a possibility, and if exposure stops the A, how will you know why the WS chode R? How will you know if the WS came back because they didn't see a better option?

Leave the WS in the A. If they come out of it on their own, they may be a good candidate for R. If they're forced out of the A, how will the BS know if the WS really wants to be with them?

So sorry you are going through this.
Infidelity is a bitch.

Have you been tested for all STDs/STIs?Has she? Don’t have unprotected sex with her until she has ben tested and you are 100% sure she is no longer have sex with her. Make sure she shows you her test results - as you have discovered, cheaters lie. A lot.

Talk to a lawyer or three. Not to file- you are not ready to make a decision yet and that is totally fine. But you do need to know what to expect and how to protect yourself and your child. For example if you leave the home, in some states that can be considered abandonment. Also she might decide to drain your bank accounts and you need to protect yourself. Knowledge is power, so see a lawyer to get educated. It also helps lower your fear of the unknown, which will help you feel more confident. Some give free 1st sessions, but regardless it is worth the expense. You don’t need to tell her, either. This is to educate you.

Take care of yourself- eat healthy, drink lots of water, get daily exercise (even if just a walk), get enough sleep. These will help your body, mind, and emotions. Avoid drugs/alcohol (ask me how I know ). If you are having trouble sleeping, see your doctor. And protein shakes can help if you are having trouble eating. IC can be helpful for you to get your feet back under you and figure out what you want and what you are willing to tolerate. Look for one who has trauma experience b/c this is a big trauma.

What is she doing besides giving you lies? Has she looked into IC for herself? Read a book or researched affairs? Is she looking for another job? Remember that you need to watch her ACTIONS not listen to her words. As long as she works with him, you will not feel safe.

ANd I also believe you should tell the OBS. It can shut an affair down quickly and the OBS needs to be able to protect herself and her kids.

Hang in there - you will get through this.

I think the majority of us betrayed spouses here would want to be told if their spouse was cheating.

I know I would.

Thanks for the responses.

I would not use exposure as a way of stopping an A unless I was set on D. If R is a possibility, and if exposure stops the A, how will you know why the WS chode R? How will you know if the WS came back because they didn't see a better option?

At this point, in terms of being set on D, after the continued lying etc., i'm on the fence. I can see a life without her. But can see a long road to recovery and R, especially for our son. I do believe she is deeply depressed and this caused her to make devastating choices. The exposure would mean her and AP would potentially be free to go off together. If that's her choice then fine. If she chooses to stay and put the effort in and show that's not what she wants then at least I'll have more certainty of that being the case than I do now. This is why I see it as a selfish choice. But completely understand the OBS deserves to not making life changing decisions without knowing the truth.

Just a few things I hope you consider. I think you might be too close to the situation (as we all were to begin with) and your logic is clouded.

I do believe she is deeply depressed and this caused her to make devastating choices.

Nope. Don’t make excuses for her. She has already come up with enough on her own. Lots of depressed people don’t cheat.

The exposure would mean her and AP would potentially be free to go off together.

I don’t see it this way. Exposing it has nothing to do with this. They always have this freedom. They are not doing what it takes because they don’t want to. They want their cake… Exposure may just force them to choose…

This is why I see it as a selfish choice.

So? Be selfish sometimes. And it aligns with doing the right thing for someone else.

I am quite a rational, logical person. So I don't see it as making excuses for her. I see it as recognising that someone mentally unwell can make really bad decisions. The books all say that "hurt people, hurt people", right? So this plays into that.

But don't take that as me not realising that I'm the prize and I'm not going to roll over and naively walk back into her arms. I'm just expressing that a woman I've loved for 15 years is in there some where and I'll (carefully) give her the chance to show that.

Am I being nobley stupid? Maybe

There are no guarantees but a high percentage of on will throw your Ww to save his family. When he does this’your ww will see him for what he is and the relation for what it is

I was married to a person diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). Those who are psychopaths, sociopaths and NPD wear a mask. Eventually, the mask slips and you learn who they really are. Who you thought they were doesn't exist.

Dr. Ramani has videos on YouTube that you can watch for free. You may want to watch some to see if anything resonates with you. Those personality disorders prey on people to draw them in, then have a cycle of abuse they use.

Putting your own oxygen mask on first is also 'selfish' - but it enables you to help others.

Healing from being betrayed is like that. It requires selfishness. You must focus on yourself, your wants, your needs. The stronger you get, the better you will be able to weather this terrible storm.

I've told the OBS. AP had a similar affair with a coworker a few years ago apparently. She had suspected something this time but he never admitted anything. Sounds like she's been waiting for this to happen and I've essentially given her the nudge she needed to leave the relationship.

I guess time will now tell if WW is true in who she says she wants to be with...

Good Job! May that woman go find the happiness she deserves.

Good job telling the OMs spouse; perhaps exposure will pull your wife’s head out of her $##. If not, then they deserve each other and you deserve to be free of an unrepentant cheater.

It’s a weird position to be in. OBS said she’d literally been waiting for it to happen over the last few years (AP to have another affair in general, not with my WS) and she was so calm when we spoke. No tears. Just seemed like genuine relief that it had happened and she could now move on. I guess he either now begs for forgiveness or he splits and pursues my WS. I’ll get clarity over what it is she wants.
Thanks to everyone who advocated for telling OBS. It had me worried and losing sleep over doing it but when she thanked me, it felt like the right decision.

but when she thanked me, it felt like the right decision.

Glad she was receptive to the information.

And she’s now moving forward with her life, whatever that may be.

Did you tell your spouse you informed the AP’s spouse? I hope you didn’t. Because if your wife comes and says anything to you about it, you will know she’s still in contact with the AP.

And that should be a red flag 🚩

Please read the post by need2bfree - how it feels when others know about the affair but don’t tell you. Now I understand you are not friends with the OBS - but you have some insight on how it feels.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 7:59 PM, Tuesday, January 28th]