SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi all , today is the day I start living my life on my own . 15 years married . It's been a hard marriage . We lost my husband's son 8 yrs ago to cancer . I have a son the same age from
A previous relationship. He's now 23 yrs old ( they were the same age ) During our marriage we tried to have a child of our own but after a miscarriage and an ectopic pregnancy that lost me my tube we came to the conclusion that we couldn't have any . I thought that we were doing ok , my son had gone to university and we had bought a new home and were happy. In March this year my husband admitted to joining a co - parenting site where he'd met 2 lesbians that wanted a sperm donor. 3 yrs on ...he has a son 😔 . He's been seeing this little boy during these last few years and also paying towards his upkeep as well as buying gifts etc . I feel betrayed, deceived and lied to ..He's kept this from me for 4 yrs . I know he didn't actually have intercourse with the female but it's just as bad in my eyes, he intended to make a life that didn't include me ! Today he's moved out . He's pleaded with me to forgive him but how can I move on if I can't accept the past 😔

Agreeing to be a sperm donor is a secret and then having a baby and keeping that a secret is the worst secret. He has been living a lie for almost 5 years. He probably thinks because you have a son that you love and he’s doing well he has the right to have one as well. If he’s that involved in the child’s life he’s not going to give it up so your future, if you stay married, is going to be with a stepson. If you think you have the ability to love the child and be good to him when he’s visiting your husband then that might be something to think about but I cannot imagine why he felt like he had the right to keep something this profound a secret from you, his wife. I just don’t get people like that. Keeping that kind of secret is just scary because you were going to find out at some point. One day that kid was gonna knock on your door and say I’ve come to see my dad and that would have even worse. I don’t know what you’re going to do because I have no experience with that at all. Please look up the forum OC here about other children born in secret. Look for OC(other child) It is in the forum I can relate

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 12:03 AM, Tuesday, August 30th]

I am so sorry you had to this place. Having a child and keeping it from you is definitely a betrayal.

If I’m reading correctly you have separated from him. There could be more to this story, I have friend that has lesbian parents. She knows her bio Dad because when her mom was young she was confused, had an A with a married man, got pregnant and then ended up in a lesbian relationship a few months later, for the rest of her life. Her mother passed away when she was an adult and she found her bio dad.

I could be wrong here but sperm donors don’t pay child support, it’s usually anonymous and he’s not on the birth certificate. There is more to this story IMO.

I’m so sorry you made this discovery.

I am so sorry, it is a betrayal. Do you know for sure he did not have sex? Or is that his story? The point is, he did this very deliberately, he stayed in contact very deliberately with the child and the parents. As you said, he developed an entire other life and kept you out of it intentionally. You have every right to be angry.

Right now, take care of yourself as you navigate through this. You don't have to make final decisions right away. Take all the time you need to make the right decision for you and your family. I would suggest get some counseling for yourself to help you get through this. When I did the IC during my husband's A, I found the counselor helped me to think through it and process it. IC could really be helpful for you.

Thanks for the replies . He initially was a sperm donor but the lesbian couple have agreed for him to see the child whenever he wants . For this privilege I think this is why he chooses to pay every month into a savings account and buys gifts and things they need for him . He wants me to accept the situation and try my best to support him. But I'll never be able to trust him again . I found an email the other day that they'd wrote to each other ..her asking if he'd provide baby no2 and him replying he'd be honoured to help them with it and he'd start wearing tight underpants in the hope it would be a girl next time 😔 ! When questioned he said he wouldn't have done it again he was silly for writing it !

I can see why you feel betrayed and don’t trust your husband. What reason did he give you for going behind your back and not telling you? How did you find out? I’m so sorry for your pain.

her asking if he'd provide baby no2 and him replying he'd be honoured to help them with it and he'd start wearing tight underpants in the hope it would be a girl next time 😔 ! When questioned he said he wouldn't have done it again he was silly for writing it !

Midi, so sorry you found yourself in these shoes... You're not wrong, his behavior towards you is 100% betrayal and it is awful. His answer to your question is not an answer of matured person. It is minimizing and making you to believe there is absolutely nothing to see here: "This is just a silly game". Looks like your WS also has poor coping skills. If he wants to stay in relationship with you and IF YOU want this relationship to salvage, he needs to figure out his issues and fix them, IC is one of the ways. If it is salvageable to you, you set your boundaries. If your WS can't accept YOUR boundaries, you have an answer.

Strength to you!

[This message edited by TruthIsPower at 6:03 PM, Tuesday, August 30th]

This guy cut you out of his life, and now that the deed is done, he's okay allowing you partial access again. Frankly, even if we assume that he's not lying about only being a "sperm donor", what he did was one of the most passive-aggressive things I've heard about lately. The only reason I can think of for him to not include you in this decision is resentment toward you that you still had a son and he did not. He looked you in the eye every day and lied every for three years. He might as well have fucked the lesbians because the result is the same:

*Relationship with another woman of which you were deliberately kept unaware. CHECK

*Hundreds of lies by omission and commission. CHECK

*Lifetime obligation to a child conceived behind your back. CHECK

How is this not cheating? And that's just based on the assumption that he's told you some semblance of the truth. We live in a society where sexuality has become quite fluid. Are you supposed to take his word for it, or the word of the women who allowed him to father a child behind his wife's back? You know, one of the OW my own WH managed to wrangle up on online had a husband who liked to watch. It was all pretty much a scam in any event though. They liked to "make friends" with some internet rube and the "borrow" lots of cash from him. Later, my WH found out that he was just the most recent mark. The point is that when I started noticing the money moving, my WH threw a major hissy fit, stomping through the house telling me to "get in the car" so he could take me over there and have THEM lie to my face.

Consider the "co-parenting site" piece of his story. What was that about? Your kid was 20 or so at the time. Just what kind of "parenting" did he need to talk about online instead of with you? Given the state of his lies, I'd say a porn site would be as likely, but even if we take him at his word, what was he doing there? This seems to be more evidence of unspoken resentment and possibly a less acceptable story that straight up porn.

Anyway, long and short, you're not wrong if you decide to show him the door.

((hugs))

BeachGirl 73 ...his reasoning for doing this and not telling me is because if he had of told me and talked it through he knows the answer would've be "NO" that is why he thought he could have his cake and eat it ! I found out because we'd had a massive row about another problem which was partly my fault so I think he thought it may have been a good time for me to forgive him ! Clearly , it wasn't .. He has said that he'd wanted to tell me for a long time but could never find the right time . I'm still feeling disgusted by his deceipt and he's out of the home now . He thinks he's giving me time to get my head around it ..I'll never get my head around it unfortunately because once trust goes it's so hard to get back .

Chamomile Tea ...spot on 👌 you've got the story very correct . Thankyou for your advice 🙌

TruthIsPower....yes , he's always been very immature! We were good friends for years before we married . I had my son he had his . When we married we worked well as a family. Unfortunately whilst on our honeymoon his son was diagnosed with cancer he was only 9 yrs old . We had 6 hard years of battling chemo and a few times we'd hoped he'd win the battle but we lost him when he was just 15 yrs old 😔 Life since then has been extremely hard . We'd tried so hard to have a child but never happened . My husband never truly managed his grief which makes this story so sad 😥. I think in his own deranged head he thought he wasn't really being disrespectful towards me if he didn't have intercourse. But his need to be a father was stronger than his need to be a husband to me .

His loss is very sad, but I don't really believe that it was as simple as he thought you'd say 'no'. I think it's more likely that there's some resentment toward you which caused him to betray your trust. The mechanics here aren't that much different than any other garden-variety sexual/emotional affair. In order for the cheater to betray his mate, he has to first justify it to himself. He's got to twist it around so that she deserves to be treated that way. Betrayal is passive-aggressive, not just passive. Simply passive would suggest that we aren't stakeholders.

That's not to say that you are 100% the target of his actions, but I do suspect that there are strong underlying resentments which he used to cut you out of his decisions.

Chamomile Tea. Yes I think you're right ! I also think he's totally self absorbed. He's always put his needs first in our marriage . But ...he's also a very kind man in other ways . I think the only option is divorce as I'll never forgive his betrayal ☹️

Have you spoken to either of these two women,to confirm his story?

Because it sounds very much as if he had an affair that produced a child,and this is the ridiculous story he's trying to sell you.

I suggest you call one of the women and ask how all of this came to be. Be calm,because they will be more inclined to be honest if you are calm. Also,don't tell them what he's told you otherwise they may simply agree with what he's told you.

If he were telling the truth, and they are truly a lesbian couple that had a basic stranger be a sperm donor, he wouldn't have been asked to be a real father to this child. And he wouldn't have agreed to child support, nor would he have been asked. There would have been legal documents drawn up to protect the couple from having your husband try to get custody in the future.

Don't tell him you are going to call one of the women. He will warn them that his crazy wife is going to call,and he will beg her to go along with his story.

His story is bullshit.

Right now,he thinks he's fooled you.

[This message edited by HellFire at 10:27 PM, Tuesday, August 30th]

His need to be a liar and keep this a secret was more important r to him than being honest with you and a good husband.

HellFire....yes I met with the mother soon after he told me . I'd found her number and asked her to meet me without him knowing . I'm all fairness she was very nice and polite and sorry for the hurt they'd all caused . When I asked her questions she gave an honest reply to all of them. He'd put an Ad on co-parenting saying how he'd lost his son and how he'd like to be able to give another couple a chance to have what he couldn't! He didn't say he was married just in a long term relationship 😏 . They answered his Ad...met for coffee which lasted 1 hr...and made decision to go ahead . 1 month later he went to the their house did the donation and bingo ! Baby made 😥The lesbians have not asked for any child support, it's his choice ! He was desperate to be a dad again and he wants the responsibility that come with it . Just wish he would've left me and found a younger woman to have a child with and do it properly. His answer was to this ..." But I love you and dint want to be with anyone else !" 🙄

(((Midi)))

well, sadly, your WS's betrayal is not only marital, but financial as well.

The are many ways to deal with grief (trauma that expressed in sadness, loss and dependency) and fear (not being a father since his grief has not been resolved). Looks like in his case fear became obsessive and took this form of lies, deception, bringing third, fourth, and fifth person into your marriage without your consent. Unfortunately, your WS is very broken. There are no excuses for his actions. He had choices to resolve his grief and fear, such as therapy, divorce, child adoption, being the best father to his stepson, volunteering at the children's hospital, and many others whatever suited him in a positive way.

Instead, he told himself (I would also question his morals and his core beliefs) that he was entitled to do what he wanted and selfishly act as he wished. If he did analyze his actions at the time and continued to go forward every step of the process, then this kind of behavior was normal in his mind. And the fact that he didn't ask you for help in the 1st place is very telling. He thought that he would resolve his grief and fear in the most positive way to HIM and HIM only. His "happiness" was and is the most important to him. However, he put no thought that this "happiness" will cause grief to his wife who he claims to love. But what is Love or love to him? You're dealing with an Old Infant as Dr Jordan Peterson describes this kind of people. He showed you his true colors.

Strength to you, Midi!

[This message edited by TruthIsPower at 2:13 PM, Wednesday, August 31st]

TruthIsPower ....you are so right ! I'm so glad I've had other people's perceptions as at times I thought I was going mad ! This decision is all about him and his happiness! I don't want to spend another day with him . As I said he's moved out now so at least I have some space from him . He's texting me every night asking if my day was good and general chitchat but I haven't replied. I really doubt I'll ever move on from this as it's too hurtful what he's put me through 😥

This is such a sad story. I have known about families that had to use this. They are so thankful for the donor. Your husband’s story breaks my heart. Imagine the overwhelming grief that drove him to advertise his needs. Instead of telling you up front he gets a response and a child and now has to deal with the reality of a baby. A time to rejoice is not there because the person to celebrate with knows nothing about it.

Suppose he told you up front? You would probably have said no. He probably would have gone through with it and then the two of you would have stayed married(maybe) or you would have separated. Either way you would both have children. The way he handled it was ridiculous but the outcome is a blessing to him.

I assume his son had leukemia. Our neighbors had to watch their three year old die. Several years later they had a girl. They bonded with another family in town whose child died of the same disease.

Even if you divorce be glad for him that he has a child to love. They are blessings.

(((Midi))),

I really doubt I'll ever move on from this as it's too hurtful what he's put me through

You must realize that you've been traumatized. And from your WS experience you also know that this grief must be resolved. Please don't follow his path. Don't allow grief to become apathy as hopelessness. Find a good trauma therapist or some other way to Heal. This should be your first step: with or without him.

Your WS needs the Healing too: from past and current events. Otherwise, his brokenness remains and will follow him along his life. However, this decision and realization is solely on him. Did he tell you what his plan is to salvage your M if he Truly Loves you in his texts?