SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So I'm writing this while cooking tea for my ws, she is actually working this time 😂

I m42 have been married to my ws for coming up to 8 years. We have a child together 7 and I have 2 late teens from a previous relationship. We have been together for 15 years.

We've had little problems like most but never really argued etc but when we did have a tiff we just got on with it and never really spoke about it.

I have her everything she ever wanted, a wedding abroad, a house we struggled to get, a child, but she was never truly happy.

I'm very laid back by nature and she is very full on never rests always cleaning and keeping busy, she is very house proud.

She likes days out and I like to chill.

We both have good jobs but both are terrible with money and accumulated a lot of debts, silly debts on cards and loans.

A couple of years ago her mother lost her husband suddenly who I was very close to and was very much a straight thinking guy someone I could have great meaningful chats with about our spouses as they are very similar!
Anyway, my wife understandably started spending more time with her mum on days out etc and all our trips and holidays involved her with or without me. I had sort of lost my place in that respect and started to feel left out. She stopped inviting me out on day trips etc and even if I was there I didn't feel important anymore. So I stopped trying to get involved as much and our connection really suffered.

Last year things where off, no bedroom activity, no hugs kisses or snuggles. She announced that she wanted to split up. I was devastated, I knew things were not right but I hoped it was a phase because of recent circumstances. She told me I'm lazy, a shit dad to my eldest kids, I don't help with anything, I don't want to get involved with her and out child's days out etc. that really hit my hard and after a lot of pleading she agreed to give me a chance to change....... See my mistakes here!

Things I thought got better with trying on my part, but date nights got shrugged off plans together got postponed slowly etc etc

Then d day hit last week, she again said things haven't changed we're too different people, just room mates she wants to split. I wasn't surprised. This was all done by text while at work btw, as it was last year, you'll see why! She started sleeping in the spare room and we agreed we are going to go separate ways amicably.

Then last weekend I received a hand written letter in the post from anonymous to let me know my ws is having an affair with an older colleague, he had split from his wife 2 years ago apparently to be with my ws.

My ws denied everything and left for the day with her mum, everything was now making sense to me, all the late nights at work, coming home not hungry coz she had a big lunch, meeting other random female friends in another town, all the headaches, backaches, water infections when I tried to be intimate etc etc.

I found this guy on Facebook and sent him a message to let him know about the letter, he admitted they have feelings for each other and have grown a lot closer recently.

I asked her again when she returned and she now admitted her feelings for him, they had bonded at work and become close but swore it was not an affair as it is not physical! She swore on our child's life. So I believe her? I honestly don't care, an EA is just as bad if not worse to me. She has confided in him about our problems and he has been given a cheat sheet of the right things to say and do and she has fallen for it.

I asked her to break it off with him while we are still living together, if she ever cared I hoped she would do this while we sell the house. We cannot afford to part until the house sells. A couple of days later she still cannot decide if she should break it off with him, that is enough to confirm to me now that we're done done and done.

It's so hard to lose the person I love, but she doesn't love me back and her attention is now elsewhere.

In a matter of a week we've had a valuation on the house and I'm getting financial advice on how I can move on.

I'm so scared and nervous about being alone, ive not had much effection from her recently but looking back I've not been happy for a while, but I will miss her greatly.

It's gonna take time but I'm sure happiness is in the future for me!

I'm up and down every day but in good spirits today so can write this without crying in my phone.

If this helps one person then I feel sharing my story so far is important. If I could offer anyone advice it would be to communicate your feelings early and continue to talk to each other whenever you can. COMMUNICATE! would it have saved us? Maybe, would she ever have felt happy with me? Probably not, I've done a lot of reading and I think she certainly has narcissistic personality traits but that's for another topic has so far helped me understand how she works and thinks.

Chin up and move on with pride! It's not my fault!

Lol as I'm writing this she has text to say don't worry about tea for her as she's not hungry. Old AP probably filled her up 😂 if I didn't laugh I'd cry.

Thanks for reading my essay I look forward to sharing the progress with you all.

Cheaters like her never prosper in the end, because she is a broken liar who would rather use others than deal with her own brokenness.

Yes, had you the knowledge of SI and all its forums early on, perhaps you could have employed those techniques early on to disrupt this affair and force her to make some fully informed choices.

But here you are. Others will give you more wisdom than me, but I'm proud of you, be proud of yourself, and take action to protect yourself, your continued interests with the children, finances, etc.

And one thing for sure. Don't "ask" her for anything. You need to know what you need and want, and then demand it at this point. Stand up for yourself now, your children, and your future apart from her.

Thank you brother! I ask her for nothing now, she has been my rock for years, now she needs me, she's already been testing me, towel dropping in my room getting ready, asking me to come to the bathroom while she baths, asking NG me to bring ng her things while working in our office, seeing if she still has my lust and love, but I'm aware, she just wants gratification now from every angle, she's not getting it here, I'm no safety net, I've woken up and I'm becoming a better person for me and my kids and my own future. I just have to be civil while the house sells. It's gonna be a long slog.

Check the healing library here for the simplified 180 and also read the pinned posts at the top of this forum.

Being civil doesn’t require making her tea. If it isn’t about your kid or separation logistics politely decline conversation.

Thanks for your words. I split from the mother of my eldest a long time ago and it was a horrible time for me. Eating and watching TV together and spending time with our child together at this time is the best example we can set for him to show that we can get along. I'm strong enough to do it for my boy and no other reason.

Being civil here is no illusion of any chance of a revival, plus any harshness on my part will likely be reciprocated x10 from ws and is not good for anyone. I have control here. The only other option is I leave now and the bills will not get paid and any chance of a future new home for myself dwindles.

I walked away from the mother of my eldest 2 20 years ago, she was abusive, I was very young, I carried on giving her money for the house and she spent it elsewhere and didn't pay the bills, I was left with thousands of debts, I was very naive back then and have learned a lot.

Welcome to SI and so sorry that your WW is putting you through this. There are some posts pinned to the top of the forum, as well as some with bull's eye icons, that we encourage new members to read. The Healing Library has a lot of great information, too.

It sounds like the A may have been going on for 2 years at least. If her AP split from his wife 2 years ago to be with your WW, then I doubt it hasn't been physical. You may wish to be tested for STDs/STIs just to be on the safe side.

For me, I found IC with a betrayal trauma specialist very helpful to work through the trauma. Sorry that you're joining us.

towel dropping in my room getting ready, asking me to come to the bathroom while she baths, asking me to bring her things while working in our office, seeing if she still has my lust and love...

I'm very, very sorry she is doing this to you. Just a solemn thought that occurred to me as I pictured her sudden tease behaviors. Sure, it could certainly be narcissistic ploys....or possibly, she suspects she is pregnant and wants to lure you back in to a sexual encounter one more time to cover her tracks and makes things less damning for her, if that be the case. Wouldn't be the first time.

Even if that is not the case, there may be another angle: I knew a creepy Narcissist/Sociopath who bragged that he was attempting to go back and "date" his estranged wife for a short while longer, on the advice of his divorce attorney so they could refute any claim she planned to raise about his adultery! In our state, if one sleeps with a marriage partner after discovering they cheated, it is called "condonation." A very old law on the books for centuries.

When my WH cheated on me, my divorce attorney warned me of the same thing regarding our behaviors during in-house separation if I was planning to file a contested divorce. So, please be careful and keep coming here for support.

Twitchy 😂😂😂😂

Superesse...

We've not had sex in long enough to know that any child would not be mine, so I definitely would not be going there to put that at risk.

I have even heard from another source that she has admitted she wants another child just not with me so I am prepared for that.

Which also makes sense as she will not take birth control but insisted I have the snip, but I didn't get round to but sex has been off the cards for a loooong time and I now know why.
She is also currently on a period so I'm safe at least.

Sorry I don't know how to tag posts.

[This message edited by Twitcher at 7:41 AM, Thursday, January 23rd]

If you're married, any children are deemed yours. You'd be on the hook for child support. Please be careful.

I think a key-problem in so many relationships – personal and business – can be unclear messages and unclear expectations.
In relationships, this tends to be the silent treatment. Where you put on a show of making a sandwich while deliberately NOT making one for her – sending the indirect message "because you can’t chose between me and Loverboy I’m not making YOU a sandwich", or sit on the couch looking moody, sighing and huffing but not talking when she asks what’s wrong.

I’m going to encourage you to be forthright and clear to your wife.
You state that it’s over – that you are done. Yet you also say that you gave her some days to decide what she wants. Which one is it? What if she comes now and tells you she has chosen you?
Is she clear that once the house is sold you two are divorced? In fact – why are the two connected? Sale of the house can be a condition in a divorce.

With the best of intentions: Be very clear to her about where you are headed and what you expect.

Like if this is over and you want a divorce, then do your research as to what that process is at your end. I’m making an educated assumption that since you "cook tea" you are in the United Kingdom, so chances are infidelity won’t impact a divorce in any way or form.
Then let her know: "Wife – I no longer want to have a marital relationship with you and have started the process of divorce. This is how it goes (assuming it’s a simple process, possibly done with a mediator or one solicitor) and we need to decide on some factors as things go along. We need to cohabit for now, but eventually move separate ways. I ask that you be discreet in your relationship with OM and that he does not enter the family home. I can’t prevent it, but ask this as a favor to keep the process as amicable as possible".

Then you start working whatever steps are required.

If you want a shot at reconciliation... Again it’s a statement:
"Wife. You have chosen to be in an affair with OM, and that means that at best I’m sharing you. I don’t share my wife. I am assuming the affair is ongoing, and therefore that our marriage is technically dead. All that is left is the formal process of separating our lives. I am initiating that process.
I absolve you of all responsibilities as my wife, and you are free to date, be with, move in with or whatever OM.
You have a small window of opportunity to let me know vocally and clearly if you want to work on this marriage. If you do there will be certain actions and accountability I require. But irrespective of what you do then I am headed out of this marriage unless I am made feel safe to remain. Be aware that although this is not how I envisioned our marriage ending, it beats the option of sharing you, and that the further along I go the more content I will be with my decision.
There are procedures we follow that ensure us both fair treatment. I ask that you be discreet in your relationship with OM and that he does not enter the family home. I can’t prevent it but ask this as a favor to keep the process as amicable as possible."

And then you move on. No more reluctantly making her tea or anything like that. YOU have a destination. YOU are getting out of infidelity. It’s only a question of if it’s with her or not.

Thanks bigger, you have really given me something to think about there!

My mind has been back and forth a lot today!

I have looked at IC and it is not something I can afford to pay for right now.

I feel like I am losing everything today and gaining loneliness.

Yesterday I was certain today I am not so sure.

Update, she going out tomorrow night, I asked if she was going to a friends, she pulled an awkward face, she's going to the AP's house for tea.
I feel even more betrayed now, she can't even wait until we sell the house and cohabit to continue this.

I tried to explain about the fog and how it is not a good idea to be getting involved with another man with baggage, an ex, kids etc and that she needs to be sure that she can deal with what's to come after the danger and honeymoon period wears off. And she is taking our child into this whole new situation, she said she has to do it for herself to follow what she thinks is happiness.

She really has no respect for me and thinks it's fine as she's been honest with me about where she is going.

I have no doubt they will be living together in the near future and it makes me feel sick that my son will be living with these 2 selfish people!

I have told her I will be starting divorce proceedings immediately as I cannot stay married to her any longer.

Who is my WW this is not the person I married, have I done things to deserve this? I have never treated her badly, I have never strayed.

She’s in the affair fog. Plain & simple.

My children were adults when my XWH's A happened, so I didn't have to deal with custody issues & parenting plan. I believe some people have it written into the parenting plan that you can't introduce other partners to the child(ren) until they've been dating for a year. Maybe that's something you can talk to your lawyer about.

Sorry that she's being so horrible.

Sorry you’re going through this twitcher.No you don’t deserve this either.You didn’t cheat the marriage didn’t cheat your wife did,she took thousands of steps to make this happen from texting too meetups too physically being with the shit bag. I know what you’re going through I’m there.My wife did the same thing had an affair with a serial cheater and left me and our daughter to live with it .I’m currently going through a divorce at the moment with this person I have been with for 37 years and married 25 and I have no idea who she is anymore a total lack of morals and respect for me at all.You’ll have lots of bad days ahead and hopefully they’ll get better with time and time is like a slow moving train that keeps chugging along.We had what I and others have said to be a good marriage that is the hardest part about all of this ,is that you constantly saying to yourself that you must’ve deserved this for some reason.Try to keep your chin up for your child and believe what others have said that the small glimpse of light you see in the tunnel will get brighter soon. My focus is to take care of our daughter that lives with me and run a business that I own and be as sane as I can at the moment.

Thank you for sharing brother, so many very similar stories on here it's almost like it's programmed into people somewhere.

If only life came with a guide eh!

It certainly is tough, we need to be strong and keep striding forward.

All the best to you pal.

What is still not clear to me – and IMHO a KEY ISSUE – is what your stated status is.
You mention that you are done. In fact, you state that in your title. Then you say she has a couple of days to decide... That makes me question how "done" you are.

Friend – I think you need to be a lot clearer. Both mentally towards yourself and to your wife.
And... don’t leave the decision to her – at the most allow her to possibly sway or impact your decision, but YOU decide and YOU act.

Look – I fully acknowledge I am making little of the emotions involved, but that is what you need to do. If we look at this as logically as one can:
You do not want your wife to have a lover.
You envisioned remaining with your wife.
She hasn’t told you directly if she chooses him above you.
She is going to see OM this evening, even thought you are aware of it.
Her actions show she chooses him over you.

To be in a marriage you need some basic things. Like you both have to have the same or comparable expectations. Like pre-OM, I guess both of you had expectations of monogamy. Now she has the expectation of being with OM, despite some discomfort for you.
Another key element is that you want to be in the marriage, and she wants to be in the marriage.

Are you willing to be in the marriage and change your expectations on monogamy?
It sounds like she’s deep in the fog and while she maybe wants to be in the marriage, she definitely doesn’t want the confinement of monogamy.
If it’s her call – she will go be with OM and come back home and play house with you. She probably expects the silent treatment and you all huffy and dismayed. But she’s willing to put up with that because Sunday afternoon you two will possibly be back to you making tea and she moaning about work or whatever.

I encourage you to reread my suggested talk to her about this marriage being over.
Then keep in mind that what you have done is the equivalent of firing an employee. It’s like if you had a childhood best friend work with you. Someone you had high hopes for and maybe even enjoy the company of. Only that employee always turns up late, missed deadlines, does bad work and loses clients. Given him dozens of chances, yet no improvement. So you fire him...
That’s where your wife is right now. She’s being terminated from the role of "wife". She’s doing her severance period, and the sooner you act on it the sooner it will be over.

During that period – you wouldn’t expect the already fired employee to start arriving on time or up his work. You just don’t have any expectations. Same with your wife. You tell her she’s fired (I am terminating our marriage) and then you really have no expectations for her. She can go out with OM, date OM and all that. Just like that employee can continue to come in late and spend all day looking at porn in the coffee-room. Only... it simply confirms you are on the right path.

Be clear to her that she’s fired.
Sit down and find a way to cohabit while the D is processed. Like... if OM is single she CAN move in with him this weekend.
Ask for some decency. Like you don’t want her around in skimpy clothes prepping for "tea" with OM.
Arrange for where she will sleep if at home.
Use time to read up on how to proceed with divorce.

If – at any time – she asks for the marriage... then and only then start considering what might be required.
I can promise you that the further along this goes the more content you will be with getting out.

Thank you bigger, you have some great advice and it all makes sense.

It's very hard to put the current situation down in words.

She has chosen to pursue him so her role as a wife is over, we are cohabiting and proceeding with a divorce when the house sells I will be getting a place of my own. She is free to do as she pleases.

I have made my feelings clear to her and set boundaries for her and her AP, he will not be visiting this house and he will not be meeting my child until I am comfortable with it.

That has been agreed to help an amicable divorce.

I am 99.9% sure my future is not with her. It would take some unimaginable changes from both of us for it to ever work again. But I have also been clear that this is not how I have imagined our marriage to end. I would have done more to work on things if the affair had not happened. But it has and that has changed everything.

Every step I take now is towards a fresh start without her and to make a better life for myself.

Every time I decide to post, Bigger responds far better than I could. I affirm all he has posted. Be clear and move forward in that clarity.

Sure wish I had had a Bigger giving me input like this decades ago.

Good luck.

[This message edited by DobleTraicion at 4:09 PM, Saturday, January 25th]