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Ok, please be kind. First time posting. I am dyslexic so apologies for my writing. I really need some support and advice. I can’t talk to family as I’m embarrassed. Been with H for 20 years married 17. Have 3 children one with high SEN who I care for. H has been a serial cheat since we got to together if I’m honest at the young age of 18. Most of it has been messaging other women once when our first was born he had an affair and left us for a few months but we have had a good solid 12 years without anything that I know of, until a few weeks ago when he made a pass at my 21 year old vulnerable cousin. I’ve thrown him out (currently at his parents) but he keeps hanging around our house love bombing me thinking I’m going to take him back like I have before. I haven’t had time to grieve and I feel like I’m being pressured into accepting him back as life will just be easier for the children. Especially our child with SEN who realises on routine and has always had his dad around. However I feel he’s crossed a line and I can’t continue like this but the thought I’ve failed my children and no longer have that family unit ways heavily on me. I’m not sure I’m able to cope without him either as he’s always been around he is/ was my first love. The thought of him moving on with someone else makes me panic and I have such a strong connection with his family, they love me and I them. I’m so confused on what to do but don’t have anytime to think. I can’t talk to my family as they are disgusted that he has done this to my cousin who has a lot of mental health issues but I know she is telling the truth about this. He is denying it but his actions say otherwise he hasn’t protested much just stopped talking to anyone but the children and I. I don’t understand why I don’t have more respect for myself but I generally feel I’m unlovable and useless. I’m going to look into therapy but H is also doing the same and been put on anti depressants which I’ve supported him through in the past. He also has a diagnoses of ASD recently and is blaming his lack of communication on this.

Welcome and I do hope you find the help you need here.
I tend to be direct. But I do so with the best of intentions...

If your son needs stability and routine, then maybe the best way to ensure sustainable stability and routine would be to divorce him. After all – at the moment your marriage is offering your kids a toxic environment, a dad that isn’t home, parents that are arguing...
A divorce is a formal separation, and it will decree how each parent shares the financial and emotional requirements for the kids. If your kid requires you to be home to tend to him, then that will be displayed in the division of assets and/or support he has to pay. It will give your kids the stability of maybe spending 10 days in their family-home (or where you reside), and then four days with their dad. Who might be able to pack his pecker for those four days...

Look – If you want this marriage then I strongly suggest you put professional help as a requirement.
Raising a child with issues adds immense stress, and it’s know that this type of stress can break marriages. I think that you should get yourself some help in realizing what an amazing person you are – raising your kids and providing them the stability they need despite the storm you are dealing with.
He could also benefit from help. He needs to realize why he hits on other women. What insecurity is he dealing with that makes him do that. If you are decided to divorce then if he does this or not is irrelevant – but he should do this for his own sake, because a grown man is dancing fine to the line of socially acceptable/legal if hitting on a much younger challenged person.
Together you might seek couples counceling. Note it’s not to deal with his affairs – his affairs are all HIS and not the marriages. It would be initially to establish what you need to simply not cut your losses and file. That might be that he sleeps at his parents but attends therapy and time at home, it might be that he shows accountability or whatever. With time the MC will go into improved communications and all that. Just remember – if his therapy isn’t dealing with his wanderlust... no amount of MC can do any good.

Thank you for replying lots to go over and I really appreciate your honesty and advice.

You can divorce him but allow time with the children.

It’s not one or the other - it is both.

He’s hanging around - doesn’t mean you have to engage. If he comes over, you can leave for some alone (and space) time. Let him manage kids without you there.

He made a pass or did something to a vulnerable cousin, IMO he should not be around other women unsupervised. I’m assuming the cousin is not a minor.

Protect yourself. See him for the person he actually is - not the person you want him to be.

BTW - if he was bold enough to proposition another woman then I’m certain it’s not his first time. Or second. Or third. He was bold enough to cross a line and do it to someone who has the ability to tell you.

Look at divorce as a way of getting out of living under a black cloud. It’s painful to D or R. But if you believe he’s a serial cheater then it might be more painful if you find out he’s never changed and you have a repeat of this awful incident.

BTW love bombing is a typical cheater move. Their eirds are hollow and are basically empty promises unless he actually does something to address his seriously deep rooted issues.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 4:25 PM, Sunday, January 26th]

Thanks for your reply, The1stwife. my cousin is 21 years old but he has know her since she was 1 years old. It seriously creeps me out.

my cousin is 21 years old but he has know her since she was 1 years old. It seriously creeps me out.

That makes it worse IMO.

Like I said - I doubt this was the first or third or tenth time he behaved this way.

I hope he gets the help he needs.

But more importantly how can we help you?

[This message edited by The1stWife at 9:31 AM, Monday, January 27th]

I read enough online to know a little about sex addiction so, going out on a limb here, think that is what your husband has. The fact that he constantly cheats and crossing a line with your cousin looks exactly like a very ill alcoholic who will drink anything to get drunk. The addiction controls every aspect of their lives. There are people in prison whose gambling addiction meant stealing money. The addiction could be drugs, gambling or sex. Every person who has wrecked their lives needs to get help. Trying to get over it is like pushing a rope. It gets them no where. You can’t fix your husband. You need to be very honest with yourself because you are on your own regardless of where he is, in or out. He is not capable of being an adult as long as this illness has him.

Thanks for replying, I think you’re right about the sex addiction. I’m trying to focus on me and the children but it’s very difficult as I rely on him so much more than I realised. I hate that I’ve allowed myself to become dependent on him, physically, emotionally and financially. However today I feel angry that he gets to walk away and start over (which I’m sure he will do quickly) as I’m refusing to take him back, while I have to support the children, sort my finances and deal with the house (was having some work done) it’s all so overwhelming. I’m not sure how anyone can help but I’m glad I have somewhere to off load as I’m feeling very isolated from my family too at the moment. So thank you to everyone who has replied.