Lifefroze
You have gotten some pretty good ideas already. I do however want to warn about one thing: The old adage about being able to lead a horse to water but not make it drink holds true here. You could find a SA certified therapist, book an appointment and all that, but unless your husband was willing to acknowledge he might have an addiction issue then nothing will come out of that.
What you can do is evaluate when whatever you are getting out of this marriage becomes of less value than what it’s costing you.
This equation basically says that you try to evaluate the financial cost of your husbands sex-worker purchases, and you evaluate what the two of you could have done as a couple had you been able to use that money to pay off the mortgage, get a new car without a loan, take a vacation, pay for kids college... whatever. Heck... even the time he/you had to spend at work to earn the money that was used to pay sex-workers, and how that time might have been better spend sharing the workload at home, spending time with the kids or even on date-nights together.
The equation looks at the risk he is placing you and the whole family at. The clear and obvious STD risk – as you have already experienced. Hopefully that was a treatable one with no repercussions, but you can get all sort of stuff that can spread to the family (herpes-type), be dormant but come again and even long-term potentially fatal ones. Mitigating it by claiming he took care or used condoms... Nah... that’s a bit like claiming you can drive faster because you are using the seat-belt.
The equation takes into account the risk he places the family in socially. Don’t know if sex-work is legal where you are, but that sweet blonde offering favors at a good rate could be officer Seymour of the vice-squad. That cat-house could be raided when he’s waiting for his happy ending. That young woman claiming to be 18 could actually be 15 and working for her next fix of oxy. The law doesn’t really mind that she lied to you – you are still a sex-offender... You could be in the house marked on the maps for other parents to be aware of...
Then there is the disrespect he’s showing your vows... and to you...
Then there is the question of his morals and standards. If he’s willing to do this, risk this...
I’m not outlining all this to make anything harder for you. What you are dealing with is hard enough.
My goal is for you to be able to evaluate what this marriage could be and what it could offer you – and then counter that with the cost it has already placed on you. Sort-of like you had a balance weighting scale where you place a pellet to the right for all the benefits of the marriage, and a pellet on the left for the negatives/cost. I’m guessing that AS IS the scale tips to the left – the negatives. You need to evaluate what pellets you and he can place on the scale, and if they go to the left or right.
In some ways you can consider everything he offers as two pellets... Like if he’s using sex-workers you could place two pellets on the left. If he tells you he will stop then that promise allows you to move ONE from the left to the right. Then maybe 2-3 months later, when you have evidence that he stick to his promise, you move the other one.
You then realistically evaluate if the scale is changing – is there more weight collecting in the right (positive) or the left (negative) or is there no change at all. Is it even possible that given there is a finite number of pellets the negative is so heavy that the positives can never counter it?
You can give yourself time with this evaluation – there isn’t any rush. But when you are convinced the negatives are dominant and you don’t see any real effort in changing that... your marriage is costing you a lot more than it’s offering you.
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Notice I use the term sex workers. I have rather strong views on sex work, based on my experience as a law enforcement officer and my volunteer work with recovering alcoholics.
Yes – there are people out there that do this by choice and their free will and are totally OK with their career. But... those are IMHO about as rare as sprinters that do the 100 meters in under 10 seconds. Most are trafficked women, trying to support a drug-habit, working for a pimp... very few told their career officer at high-school that they planned on specializing in blow-jobs as a career. Very few come out of this physically and/or emotionally whole.
This is one of the several reasons I personally have never paid for sex, and have had talks with my boys about why they should never stoop so low. There are other reasons – this one focuses on misusing a fellow human. There are plain old moral and self-resepct reasons, as well as health reasons.
This is why I don’t use the word "escort" like you do. Escort is simply a glorified term for a call-girl, hooker, whore, slut... and all those terms are derogatory for what I consider mainly victims. It’s a lot "nicer" to call your date a "professional escort" rather than "the whore I cut a deal with", yet it’s basically the same thing. Maybe the escort has a few less wrinkles and isn’t as damaged by her heroin-habit, but chances are she will progress the professional ladder from escort to hooker to whore to the slut offering BJ’s under the table at the strip-club.
You have kids... And a marriage this long I’m guessing they are grown/growing. Maybe ask your husband if – since he thinks paying for sex is fine – if he would be fine with your daughter selling sexual favors to pay for college would be OK. Even his son – doing house-calls to older men for a BJ for 200 bucks a pop... that’s easy money. If he doesn’t want this for his kids – why does he expect others to do this for him?
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I don’t want my post leaving you feeling negative. I guess the key to my general philosophy is that you ALWAYS have options. I absolutely hate it when people think they are stuck. The options might not be great, but generally one is less not-so-great than the others.
A)You have the option of accepting that your husband watches porn (and he will continue until he somehow realizes it’s costing him more than whatever it gives him) and that you sometimes see 50-100 missing from the accounts.
B)You have the option of simply telling him now that you want a divorce.
C)You have the option of telling him that you can’t accept what’s going on, and that change is needed. You are willing to discuss what change and the two of you work according to some enforceable and accountable plan for that change. But for that to work you need to convince him (and yourself!) that if he says no or doesn’t commit then your options are A or B.
