SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Lately, I’ve been having more of a difficult time being around my WH. He’s been annoying me lately with comments such as …

"Our marriage is going to be better than it ever was … now we have the tools."

"They wouldn’t make books and there wouldn’t be counsellors for infidelity if it wasn’t possible to recover and rebuild a better marriage."

"Thousands of marriages survive infidelity and can be happy again."

Like, STFU. His "optimism" is kinda sickening and disturbing … sometimes I think he has a hard time distinguishing fact from fiction.

Because if he says it often enough you will believe it and then he won't have to work so hard.

Based on your other posts, my guess is that he can feel that you're not very invested in being married to him, and he remembers how shit the marriage was in the days before he cheated and that you were already almost gone. My bet is that he's trying to sell you on R.

I get it, though. I used to get irritated when my H would say things like "I hate that I hurt you, but if that's what it took to get us here..." STFU, Pollyanna.

Like, STFU. His "optimism" is kinda sickening and disturbing … sometimes I think he has a hard time distinguishing fact from fiction.

This actually made me laugh.

And of course, I get that it makes you vomit as well

It would be very difficult to deal with such a chipper attitude from a FWS. "Look honey, I know I destroyed you and put you in a full-body cast, but those titanium rods in your legs will last forever!"

nothisfriend

He knows I’m not that kind of person. I’m not one to easily be persuaded or manipulated into thinking one way or another. I don’t think he has any issue with digging deep and putting in the work, but his seemingly over the top optimism on what "our future" could look like is hard to stomach. Especially, when I don’t see the same vision … I’m hoping as healing progresses I get a clearer picture. I’m just not there yet.

ScaredSoul33

He definitely knows (now) how checked out I had become. This having been an eye-opener is an understatement. He knows there is no manipulation antics or selling of anything with me. I’m not really sure what I’m needing from him at this point … maybe I associate his optimism as a form of rugsweeping … maybe he really is doing his best to not give up and he needs that "positive reinforcement" as a means of personal support and motivation to strive to be a better human.

Yes. Comments like what your H has said irk me and make me do the dreaded eye roll.

JimBetrayed62

Glad I could make you laugh! I’m a humorous type person and in the darkest of situations I still will try to make "light of" things when it’s appropriate.

Exactly though … your analogy is spot on. Sometimes I wish he would take extra time to think about the message he is trying to convey before speaking. He’s not the best with words (I know this so I try to keep that in mind), but much of what he says and my interpretation vs. what he actually means are completely different. We get into this cycle of miscommunication and misinterpretation … which leads to frustration.

Jeez there are alot of ways to look at this. I believe that truly optimistic people operate that way because they have a sense of gratitude. They are positive because they are greatful. With that said I don't think it's all that common for truly greatful or optimistic people to cheat. Truly optimistic people or greatful people tend to be able to fill up their own cup if you will. I also tend to belive that optimistic people are attachment secure.

On the flip side what are some of the common understood characteristics about cheaters. They tend to have resentments and in many cases cast full blame on others for those resentments. They tend to be a little more cynical and less trusting. They lean towards being more anxious. And it's widely understood that many have an avoidant attachment. Most cite some void and resentments as the cause for their affair. I don't believe their is alot of true optamizim in the unfaithful. But they can often lean into blind optamizim - just look at how many chase the dream of a great life with their AP with blind optamizim.

Hope can fuel optamizim as-well and hope is never a bad thing. But it can drive blind optamizim.

It's unlikely that your husband has quickly transformed his outlook on life and attachment style to a truly optimistic person. So I would say some cynicism on your part is warranted. However his hope very well could be honest. You giving him a second chance could be met with some real gratitude again adding fuel to the hope. If he's truly changing he do all the real work that is required to heal himself and help you heal.

It could be coming from fear. Scared to death he destroyed you and the M. It's possible he's truly remorseful and just doesn't communicate well.

I have friends that suffer from depression and need to constantly speak affirmations to themselves just to keep from spiraling down. Perhaps this is what he's doing.

Your husband is so right, but for all the wrong reasons...

Try telling him this:
Imagine that instead of infidelity he had a cardiac arrest. When he’s recovering in the ICU he reflects on his behaviors. He realizes that for the last decade he hasn’t exercised, gained weight, smokes a pack a day, drinks a sixpack of suds, eats unhealthy, is always late and stressed... He realizes that if he doesn’t change this will kill him.
So... He get’s an appointment with a nutritionist and buys a lot of healthy-food books, gets a gym membership, learns how to organize his day, cuts down on the booze, stops smoking, buys some fancy sneakers and dry-fast clothes...
However – deciding to do all that doesn’t really change anything. It’s not until he reads the books and cooks the meals, goes to the gym and follows the instructors advice, throws away the cigarettes and limits his booze and starts putting some miles on those sneakers that the results start showing.

Maybe – a year later – he might take a pause at the half-way marker of his weekly five mile run and contemplate the progress he’s made. He might realize he’s in the best shape ever. But he wouldn’t be thanking the cardiac arrest, but rather the WORK he has done since. He would also realize that the BIG mistake was allowing himself to reach the stage where he had that health-scare, and everything and anything he is doing NOW could have been done without first nearly killing himself.

The same applies to the marriage. Actually – since the affair is all on him then this applies to HIM and the marriage. Whatever your marriage becomes in a year – whatever improvement is made – could have been done without first nearly killing it with an affair.

I get it. I go through waves of anger, sadness, and annoyance. How can he do that and still look at me? I wanted to throw something at him when he was talking to our 9 and 6 year old about why it isn't okay to lie. I actually had to leave the dinner table once because I was so triggered. I know your pain of wanting to tell them to STFU.

Annoying? Just annoying? I'd have been abgry if my W had ever said anything like that. Just sayin'....

I expect that your H is saying this out of some feelings (love, gratitude, fear...). You'd both be better off if he expressed those feelings explicitly.

There used to be a thread titled something like, 'It wasn't the A; it was the work you did after the A.' I'd like to bump it, but I can't find it.

Fit43

I never really considered my WH to be a "glass half full" kinda person. He’s very much a worrier (anxious) … always thinking worst case scenario. He has always, and continues to stress a lot about finances - the mortgage, rising cost of groceries, saving for retirement, etc. He stressed himself out so much it skyrocketed his anxiety … except he never really communicated this to me and "hid" the extent of his anxiety/insecurities.

He really is hopeful and I truly believe it is coming from a genuine place. I think he is eternally grateful I’ve granted him time for him to show me this "best version of himself" he is striving for. I still just hate how he comes across sometimes with his words … like he’s insinuating he’s capable of change, but only after mass destruction. I just couldn’t fathom doing that.

Trumansworld

I think you’re right. He has been very vocal about the fact that he is scared. The fallout of all of this nearly 16 months ago was literally an instant realization of just how shitty he had become. He has always struggled with communication … he speaks before he thinks kinda thing.

He definitely is in a depressive state (even before the A) … obviously it has escalated due his A coming to light and the fallout the ensued after. He’s constantly telling himself "it will be ok" … I think this helps him from spiralling into a dark place and it also keeps him from not giving up.

Bigger

I understand fully what you’re saying and have tried to explain this to him using similar analogies. He agrees that his choice to have an A was not a requirement of building a better, stronger M.

Shatteredbylies

It’s definitely an annoyance. My WH also makes comments sometimes about what a POS so and so is or how people don’t posses common sense. It’s hard to sit there sometimes and not retaliate back with a comment … not gonna lie, sometimes I just have no filter and I speak my mind even though I know my "comments" should be just kept to myself. Sometimes its hard to not point out the hypocrisy.

sisoon

Annoyance is just one of the many emotions I feel on a daily. Particularly on this day I posted this, I was very much just feeling annoyed.

I agree with you … I don’t feel he’s saying these things to annoy me per se … but he’s trying to express some underlying emotions (love, fear, gratitude, etc).

Oh … that sounds like a thread I would be interested in reading. Maybe someone else here can find it and bump it.

sisoon, is this it?

https://m.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/662399/what-did-the-unfaithful-do-that-made-you-feel-like-recovery-and-reconciliation-was-possible/