SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

How long did it take you to feel really confident in your decision to stay? I am 20 months post d-day and still questioning if I made the right decision. I still have so many triggers. I think one of the biggest setbacks for me is that he treated me horribly before and during the affair. He knew how much he was hurting me by how he was treating me and chose to do it anyway. He has done a COMPLETE 180 since d-day, but I still have so much anger and resentment.

It took me 2 years to become as completely comfortable with my choice as I ever got (99.99999%), but my W was consistently remorseful in her behavior from d-day on. Later she told me and our MC that she didn't feel remorseful for at least 5 months, but she consistently did remorseful things from d-day on.

If you're going to R, IMO you need to respond to the here and now. You say your WS is behaving the way you want him to behave, right? If he keeps doing that, you really need to take it in. You are also feeling anger and mistrust in the here and now. That's important, and I suggest you talk about that with someone, a good IC if you can find one.

You describe the thoughts and feelings of someone in incomplete R, which is great for someone who's only 20 months out, because the SI rule of thumb is 2-5 years to recover.

Stay loose. The last chapter hasn't been written yet. Your WS may continue as a great candidate for R. OTOH, it's possible that he's just acting now; if so, that will come out, probably in the next year. If he bcoems the lousy H again, you'll know what to do.

Well, approximately 6 years post DDay, my confidence in my relationship *now* is approximately the same as the confidence in my relationship as I did after 6 years of no cheating.

Now, that's sort of a weird consequence of the lengths of my relationship and the time since cheating since I'm using my "bayesian" theory of fidelity. It just so happens that I'm building up to 3x6 for post DDay and 2x6 is approximately the time before DDay.

Where estimated infidelity rate is (N+1)/(2*T). Where N is the number of times cheating, and T is the duration in time.

Since she cheated after we had been together for a little over 10 years (a little less than 10 married) and we are now at 17 ish years.

To reach the same level of confidence I had before she cheated, we need to hit thirty years / twenty post DDay.

It's a brutal hit to confidence in the relationship to have N>=1.

Chasingsunsets this really makes sense

I am 20 months post d-day and still questioning if I made the right decision.

there can be a lot of pressure to feel certain once you have stayed for a while but I am not sure certainty works like that after betrayal as sometimes staying is not one fixed decision it is something you keep reassessing as you see whether the change is real consistent and enough for you.

I am around 9 months from the truth coming out in my own situation and it is not easy - far from it. Even when there are better days the questions can still come back because your mind and body are trying to make sense of something that changed the whole emotional landscape.

He knew how much he was hurting me by how he was treating me and chose to do it anyway.

this adds another layer because it is not only the affair itself but the way you were treated before and during it and even if he has changed since DDay your body and mind may still be trying to process the fact that he was capable of hurting you while knowing you were already hurting.
I think the question is becoming less "did I make the right decision once and for all?" and more "does this still feel right for me now based on what I am seeing and feeling today?"

The anger and resentment do not mean you have failed at reconciliation - they may just mean there is still pain that has not fully been witnessed, repaired or made safe enough yet..

I am not convinced that it’s a linear process.

First you need to feel that your partner is truly remorseful, owns the infidelity and understands the consequences it has.

And puts in the work to change.

Then there’s a chance for you to begin the evaluation process.

Yo put it simply: if you decide to stay you are precluding yourself a life with someone else who can be honest, true and trustworthy, someone capable of receiving and giving love, to stay with someone who inflicted you a horrible abuse and trauma.

The sure thing is that your current relationship is dead.
You choose to stay why?

You can’t resurrect something that is dead. That’s a fantasy.

You could potentially build something else, something new.

But that depends on a true change of your partner into a safe person and it carries the awareness that the only sure thing about them is this: they are perfectly capable of infidelity.

The time necessary depends on how much they are really changing and able to become safe and make you feel safe.

History doesn’t always have to repeat, but is a pattern indicator.

So acknowledging that they are really putting in the work, that is giving you an eta estimate: what for do you stay? How much they can be present for you and provide you with reasonable proof of being now trustworthy.

From that you might assume a rough estimate, but it truly depends on how deep your wounds are and how much you want it, you want them (still).

You might find out years later that their very presence is just keeping you living in the echo of infidelity. All can come down at any moment.

Are you strong enough and are they worth this Calvary for you in the first place?

If yes, where do you stand right now emotionally?

This is not to discourage you, just remember to be fully honest about what you feel, for you and your wayward.