Twitcher
I have this semi-Stoic way at looking at things...
If I’m out walking the dog and get caught in heavy and totally unexpected rain I don’t bother cursing the rain or bemoan getting wet. It’s raining – I didn’t cause it, couldn’t prevent it and can’t control it. I will get wet as long as I’m in the rain. I might look around me and seek shelter. I might look at the sky and evaluate if it’s a shower or an ongoing torrent. I might then decide to go under a tree that offers shelter from the rain. Or call someone to pick me up. Or... just bear the rain and walk home, knowing that while I walk it will rain, I will get wetter and wetter and that eventually I will get home – out of the rain – and dry off.
I don’t moan about it because that won’t change anything. I don’t run around trying to avoid raindrops because that doesn’t work. I don’t take the long path home because that only prolongs my misery. I don’t curse my dog, because he has no part in all this rain-stuff. I could maybe blame myself for ignoring the forecast, but that won’t make me any dryer.
Basically what is in the footer of all my posts: If I’m unhappy, it’s because I choose to be unhappy. Walking in pouring rain getting soaked won’t make me any happier, but I KNOW I’m heading out of the rain. I will dry off. I am NOT remaining in unhappiness.
I want you to treat your wife’s decision to remain in an affair like a downpour, and you are now working at getting out of it. Spending time moaning about it is you yelling at the clouds.
So it’s clear you are divorcing.
Start the process. No drama, no getting her served at work or anything like that. Your very first step is to create a little spreadsheet where you list all marital assets and debts, your assets and debts and whatever you think might be her assets/debt. This doesn’t need to be 100% accurate as-is. Google divorce in your country. What is the process, what is a likely outcome.
Don’t discuss this with her – no drama. This is only preparation.
Once you have a good picture then decide your plan. I seldom/never recommend do-it-yourself divorce unless your finances are very simple and clear. It’s always better to have someone in your corner that can at least check that all the formalities are there. For example: if you both cosigned for the car-lease of her vehicle, you want to make sure your name is off it and that the change has been approved by the relevant financial institution.
Once you know what lies ahead – even if there is still some confusion – then file. Suggest the path you think fits you best. If that’s more-or-less a do-it-yourself then that’s fine, if it’s mediation then fine. Only... make sure you have someone go over whatever settlement you reach before you sign.
Until then... Don’t bother being annoyed at her. She’s the fired employee, and her being late again next morning isn’t unexpected. Start separating your life from her. She went out this Friday – you go to the movies next weekend. You arrange some parenting schedule so you can go out. Even if it’s only to take an hours walk. Start living your separate life.
Make sure the issues holding you back are real issues...
Like the house... Is it really necessary that she live there? If you are divorcing, then offer her to move in with OM already. Put the house on sale, do all you can to expedite the sale and get that albatross off your neck. Only you don’t have to share time with her.
Don’t argue with her. Don’t take part in "if you had been more attentive then... " or whatever. Unless and until she tells you she wants this marriage... you simply assume and act as if it’s over. If she wants to reconcile – then and only then do you give that some thought.
"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus
